The range of emotions I have felt in the last week have really put me through the ringer. For what feels like the millionth time in the last year, I am close to losing another person I love. My Papa, who has been in my life since the day I was born, had a stroke last Sunday. And though the doctors have tried their hardest, he isn't responding well to any of the rehabilitation treatment that they have been trying. In addition to the stroke, he's had underlying health issues including a heart condition and the fact that his liver is shot because of the abuse of alcohol for more than fifty years. That, coupled with his stubbornness and desire to not be in a hospital, have lead them to believe he will not benefit from any treatment they can give him. Because of this, they are transferring him to a nursing care facility for 30 days to see if he can improve outside of a hospital. And if not, they will be setting up home hospice care.
After going through losing a grandparent in August of last year, this is something that hurts so much for me. This is the Papa that I have lived with for almost four years, off and on, and has taken care of me time and time again. My Memaw is beside herself and broke down earlier, which I have never seen her do before. The only other time I've seen her cry was when my Memaw Bernice, her mother, passed away in 2008, so this is so hard on all of us. It seems like I've lost so many people I love lately and that...is just painful for me. My Memaw Bernice in 2008, Great-Grandma in 2009, Grandma in 2010, Lisa's dad last July, and then Nana Connie in August. And now I'm facing losing my Papa, which I understood was a possibility because of his stroke and health, but it just...doesn't seem fathomable. My Papa is a Marine through and through and perhaps the most stubborn person I know on this earth, so him succumbing to health problems just doesn't compute for me. It reminds me of how precious time with family and loved ones truly is.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Mindless Rambling
Some people say that you can tell what you want to do in life as early as elementary school. For some people, that's true. I've known people that have said that they wanted to be a fireman or in the military when they were in grade school that have gone on to become those very things. But for most of us, well at least those who are like me, that decision or revelation does not come until much later. For me, I knew what I wanted to do when I was in high school. After I went through a lot of personal and traumatizing situations, I knew that I wanted to help people. But I was not sure which kind of helping I wanted to do until I got to college. It was there that I discovered Psychology and found my calling. I want to help people and become someone that they can trust when they need someone to talk to that is unbiased, genuine, and real in therapy. That has been my passion and goal since I was younger. People always seemed to come to me with their problems, so it makes sense for me to find that as my calling.
Now I'm in my third week of graduate school and feeling a little overwhelmed as I'm in a new city with no one I know. This is the path that I've been set on a long time ago and I intend to see it through, even if I feel lost and alone right now. I have been trying to make friends, but it is so difficult when everyone already seems to know each other and doesn't wish to befriend the new person. Sometimes I think that I made the wrong decision in coming to San Angelo, but then my program is great and I really enjoy my classes at the same time. Where do I find the balance? What makes it worse is when I feel as though very few people care about me from home. I just wish that I could skip the next two years and be done with school to move on with the part of my life that I wish to be at. To find a place where I can call home and actually know someone there I can spend time with rather than eating my lunch and dinners alone. Maybe it won't be so bad once I start working...I can hold onto that hope and think that it will get better. If not, then maybe I can do most of my classes online when I'm in practicum and commute for what classes I can't from Abilene. These are all things I need to talk with my adviser about and see what she thinks. Maybe it'll be best for me since I seem to like online classes better.
Now I'm in my third week of graduate school and feeling a little overwhelmed as I'm in a new city with no one I know. This is the path that I've been set on a long time ago and I intend to see it through, even if I feel lost and alone right now. I have been trying to make friends, but it is so difficult when everyone already seems to know each other and doesn't wish to befriend the new person. Sometimes I think that I made the wrong decision in coming to San Angelo, but then my program is great and I really enjoy my classes at the same time. Where do I find the balance? What makes it worse is when I feel as though very few people care about me from home. I just wish that I could skip the next two years and be done with school to move on with the part of my life that I wish to be at. To find a place where I can call home and actually know someone there I can spend time with rather than eating my lunch and dinners alone. Maybe it won't be so bad once I start working...I can hold onto that hope and think that it will get better. If not, then maybe I can do most of my classes online when I'm in practicum and commute for what classes I can't from Abilene. These are all things I need to talk with my adviser about and see what she thinks. Maybe it'll be best for me since I seem to like online classes better.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Family
Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the meaning of family and what a family really looks like. My parents divorced when I was 16 and even before then, we really didn't have much of a traditional family to begin with because of all the fighting, hatred, and abuse within the house. But now, at 23 almost 24, I finally know what a real family looks like. My Nana Connie passed away this weekend, leaving behind a huge legacy of love, devotion, and family that will be with the kids, grandkids, and nieces and nephews for the rest of our lives. When my Nana married my Papa Gene 32 years ago, she had 2 kids of her own and he had 5 boys himself. Together, they raised all 7 of the kids under the same roof without the inclination of step or otherwise. And that is how this family has been since. When my mom married us into the family, I was 18 or so, but Connie and Gene took us in as another set of grandkids to love and spoil. And for the past 6 years, we have been part of this wonderful family where we all laugh, spend time together, and support one another during the tough times.
I consider myself blessed to have such a mixed and large family, even if we do get crazy and loud most of the time. And I know that Nana is going to continue to watch over all of us for the rest of our lives because it's what she did when she was here with us. I'll always miss her, just like I will always miss my Grandma and Memaw Bernice. But I have 3 angels up in the clouds watching over me always. It still is weird to me not hearing the voices of these women who have had such an influence on my life, but I know that I will carry the lessons of love that they taught with me all the days of my life. I hope to do them proud in the future as I grow up and become more of an adult.
I consider myself blessed to have such a mixed and large family, even if we do get crazy and loud most of the time. And I know that Nana is going to continue to watch over all of us for the rest of our lives because it's what she did when she was here with us. I'll always miss her, just like I will always miss my Grandma and Memaw Bernice. But I have 3 angels up in the clouds watching over me always. It still is weird to me not hearing the voices of these women who have had such an influence on my life, but I know that I will carry the lessons of love that they taught with me all the days of my life. I hope to do them proud in the future as I grow up and become more of an adult.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Life Decisions
In the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about where I want to be in five years and what I want my life to be like. Recently, I went up to New York state to visit one of my best friends and while we were there, we went and had our fortunes told at the Ren fair. Now before you say that there isn't any stock to having your fortune told or that I'm stupid for believing it, I want to tell you that what I experienced was real. I had a medium done, where spirits of relatives or friends come to the psychic and talk to me through her. And my grandma came through. Judge all you want and say that it was just a generic thing that they all use to trick people, but this was real. She knew things about my grandma that NO ONE outside of family could have known. That shocked me, but what she had to say through the psychic was even more important and pertinent. My grandma was always one to encourage me to follow my heart and do what I want to do, regardless of what other people say or think about my decisions. She was the one to encourage me to follow my heart, no matter how big or weird my dream was. In fact, she was the one that told me I would be a good counselor. But that is beside the point. What she had to share with me through the psychic was basically that I'm on the right life path and that I shouldn't worry about other things while I'm focusing on my dream. She told me to not be afraid of the changing paths of life.
This leads me to a decision that I've come to make. I have always said that I wanted to move outside of Texas, but didn't know where I wanted to move because I didn't have friends or family in any particular state that I was interested in living in. Now that I've been to somewhere else and seen with my own eyes another place, I've fallen in love with New York. My ultimate goal was to get out of Texas, but now I have a real place set in mind. New York state is where I want to be after I finish my Master's Degree in two years. I've done the research and if I network myself with a licensed counselor in New York, I can do my supervised hours there and take their certification test to become an LPC for New York. I know that it is a huge leap of faith to move 1600 miles away from my family, but it's something I want to do. New York is beautiful and I know people up there, so I wouldn't be totally alone. It's a decision that I have 2 years to do my research for and to prepare for, but ultimately, it's where I want to be. Not just because I have friends in the area, but because it would be a new adventure for me to start a whole new chapter of my life and live fearlessly, just like my grandma would want me to.
This leads me to a decision that I've come to make. I have always said that I wanted to move outside of Texas, but didn't know where I wanted to move because I didn't have friends or family in any particular state that I was interested in living in. Now that I've been to somewhere else and seen with my own eyes another place, I've fallen in love with New York. My ultimate goal was to get out of Texas, but now I have a real place set in mind. New York state is where I want to be after I finish my Master's Degree in two years. I've done the research and if I network myself with a licensed counselor in New York, I can do my supervised hours there and take their certification test to become an LPC for New York. I know that it is a huge leap of faith to move 1600 miles away from my family, but it's something I want to do. New York is beautiful and I know people up there, so I wouldn't be totally alone. It's a decision that I have 2 years to do my research for and to prepare for, but ultimately, it's where I want to be. Not just because I have friends in the area, but because it would be a new adventure for me to start a whole new chapter of my life and live fearlessly, just like my grandma would want me to.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Why I Detest Organized Religion
Now before you all go jumping on your high horses about why I'm being "unchristian" or something along those lines, I am putting this disclaimer. This does not constitute that I do not believe in God or Jesus, but it simply states that I don't like religion in an organized manner. Allow me to explain myself fully before you bring out the torches and pitchforks to burn me at the stake for hypocrisy.
To understand my dislike of organized religion, you have to understand a little bit about me first. When I was 16-years-old, I witnessed one of the greatest travesties of religion and the supposed followers of Jesus that I have ever known. My parents divorced the year following my 16th birthday after my father was convicted of indecency with a child and admitted to my mother that he was guilty all along. After this happened, my mother chose to take myself and my brothers and leave our father, filing for divorce about a month later once she had all the paperwork and funds together. Instead of supporting us, the church that I grew up in turned their backs on us and would not help my mother because they didn't consider her divorcing my father to be "Biblical". (Though she had that right YEARS ago when he cheated on her.) Not once did any member of this said church call my mother to check on us kids or see if we needed anything now that my mother was a single parent to three teenage children receiving no government assistance or child support. They all considered themselves to be people of Jesus, but yet they did not follow the simplest command of Jesus to help others who are in need because they were too proud to admit that my mother was right in divorcing the man who had done so much damage to so many peoples' lives.
Fast forward seven years to the present and you will find an enlightened version of my sixteen-year-old self. In the past few years, I have gone to many different churches and experimented with different religions, including Baptist, Methodist, and Catholic. But I've come to the conclusion for myself that organized religion isn't what was intended for God's people. All churches have really done is taken what was meant to be a guide for life and deconstructed and manipulated the word to say what they want it to say. The mantra I grew up with was similar to "Don't do this, you'll go to hell. Tattoos are for Devil worshipers. Cursing is unacceptable. Homosexuality is the Devil's handiwork and they are all going to hell. This church is the only church you can get into Heaven with." and so on. But as I've explored religion and spirituality for myself without someone shoving it down my throat, I've come to realize that most of those things are just not true. Yes, there are things you will be condemned for, like murder and things like that. But I've taken a different path and view on other things, like tattoos and homosexuality. I believe that everyone is the way that they are because they were born that way. And tattoos are meant to be a celebration of something you believe in or feel strongly about. (Or, in some cases, just something stupid you want to put on your body because it's funny.) But I honestly don't believe that God would condemn you for decorating your body or because of who you fall in love with.
I also don't believe that He will condemn anyone for being the "wrong" religion. Honestly, who does have it right? There are so many denominations in the world today that we can't honestly tell who is the "right" choice. None of them date back 2000 years to when Jesus said "upon this rock, I will build my church." The oldest "organized" church that follows the teachings of Jesus Christ are the Catholic church, but they only date back 900 years or so. For that reason, among many others, I have decided that I will not claim any one set religion, but instead embrace my own spirituality. Am I opposed to going to church? Not at all. In fact, I enjoy going to many different churches to experience the fellowship of God's people, but I will never permanently establish myself in one or the other. Instead, I intend to do as Jesus did and make my own church within myself. He traveled the world, teaching to others and didn't confine himself to one building. Why shouldn't I do the same and not stick myself in one organized religion for the rest of my life? Being Jesus to others out in the real world where it counts is more important to me than pretending every Sunday and Wednesday in a building.
To understand my dislike of organized religion, you have to understand a little bit about me first. When I was 16-years-old, I witnessed one of the greatest travesties of religion and the supposed followers of Jesus that I have ever known. My parents divorced the year following my 16th birthday after my father was convicted of indecency with a child and admitted to my mother that he was guilty all along. After this happened, my mother chose to take myself and my brothers and leave our father, filing for divorce about a month later once she had all the paperwork and funds together. Instead of supporting us, the church that I grew up in turned their backs on us and would not help my mother because they didn't consider her divorcing my father to be "Biblical". (Though she had that right YEARS ago when he cheated on her.) Not once did any member of this said church call my mother to check on us kids or see if we needed anything now that my mother was a single parent to three teenage children receiving no government assistance or child support. They all considered themselves to be people of Jesus, but yet they did not follow the simplest command of Jesus to help others who are in need because they were too proud to admit that my mother was right in divorcing the man who had done so much damage to so many peoples' lives.
Fast forward seven years to the present and you will find an enlightened version of my sixteen-year-old self. In the past few years, I have gone to many different churches and experimented with different religions, including Baptist, Methodist, and Catholic. But I've come to the conclusion for myself that organized religion isn't what was intended for God's people. All churches have really done is taken what was meant to be a guide for life and deconstructed and manipulated the word to say what they want it to say. The mantra I grew up with was similar to "Don't do this, you'll go to hell. Tattoos are for Devil worshipers. Cursing is unacceptable. Homosexuality is the Devil's handiwork and they are all going to hell. This church is the only church you can get into Heaven with." and so on. But as I've explored religion and spirituality for myself without someone shoving it down my throat, I've come to realize that most of those things are just not true. Yes, there are things you will be condemned for, like murder and things like that. But I've taken a different path and view on other things, like tattoos and homosexuality. I believe that everyone is the way that they are because they were born that way. And tattoos are meant to be a celebration of something you believe in or feel strongly about. (Or, in some cases, just something stupid you want to put on your body because it's funny.) But I honestly don't believe that God would condemn you for decorating your body or because of who you fall in love with.
I also don't believe that He will condemn anyone for being the "wrong" religion. Honestly, who does have it right? There are so many denominations in the world today that we can't honestly tell who is the "right" choice. None of them date back 2000 years to when Jesus said "upon this rock, I will build my church." The oldest "organized" church that follows the teachings of Jesus Christ are the Catholic church, but they only date back 900 years or so. For that reason, among many others, I have decided that I will not claim any one set religion, but instead embrace my own spirituality. Am I opposed to going to church? Not at all. In fact, I enjoy going to many different churches to experience the fellowship of God's people, but I will never permanently establish myself in one or the other. Instead, I intend to do as Jesus did and make my own church within myself. He traveled the world, teaching to others and didn't confine himself to one building. Why shouldn't I do the same and not stick myself in one organized religion for the rest of my life? Being Jesus to others out in the real world where it counts is more important to me than pretending every Sunday and Wednesday in a building.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)