Words of Wisdom

“The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it’s only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for. Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.” --Whitey Durham

There has been much in life that I've been disappointed over, mostly to do with how situations have panned out or how things have not gone my way. But I've been learning slowly over the years that life rarely ever goes the way you plan for it to. Things happen, disasters change your path, and you wind up in a completely different place than you set out to be in the first place. But does that mean that you've failed somehow? Or that you didn't wind up exactly where you were supposed to be all along? I never really thought that I would wind up majoring in Psychology, but through  the experiences of my youth, I was lead to a profession that would help others through their darkest times because that is what was given to me in my own dark times.

During times of depression when I was younger, I found myself looking at the stars a lot. Sometimes I would go outside and lay on my trampoline for hours, just looking up at the sky and wondering if there was a point to my suffering. Or if it was all mindless and had no reason at all for happening other than the random assignment of life to people. It wasn't until I got to college and started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life that I realized that everything I had gone through in my teenage years had a purpose. Those same stars that I looked at as a teenager were the ones that gave me the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. So, in a way, they lead me home to where I was meant to be.

I think that Whitey was right in saying that life is full of disappointments, but it's better to learn to let go of the past to move on with our lives, treating the past as a lesson learned. The past is part of the journey that we're on and that is the important thing to remember. Journeys are not all about the destination, but rather the time it takes to get there and the paths you take to end up where you're going. I've been down some pretty twisted paths in my 23 years of life. Lots of them were dark and scary and not like any you'd ever want to go down as a normal person. The roads of depression and despair are not pretty to go down, but coming out on the other side is like...waking up to a new life. It isn't always easy, but it's a lot better. I've made mistakes, but I've learned from them and taught myself that it's okay to make those mistakes so long as I learn from them. Granted, I'm still learning, but I'm only 23. There's gonna be lots of times when I fail, but picking myself up from it is what's important.

Dreaming, Hoping, & Wishing

"It’s the oldest story in the world; One day you’re 17 and planning for someday and then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it. Do it. Don’t wait. Nothing lasts forever. Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from. The next memory. The next smile. The next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart." -- One Tree Hill

For a long time, I believed that wishes were stupid because they could never come true. It was folly to wish upon stars because those stars couldn't grant those wishes no matter how hard or often we wished upon them. They were just big balls of gas in the sky that were burning millions of miles away with no human qualities or capabilities to grant wishes. But that's just the informed scientist talking in me. My inner child thinks differently though. It still believes in magic and wishing on stars because somehow stars became the symbol for hope and for wishing the impossible. That and 11:11pm. But what do we wish for now that childhood is slipping away and giving into adulthood? As a teenager, I just wished for a normal life...one uninhibited by the drama of my family where I could be myself and not feel threatened. Through college, I was given that life. Now, my dreams are changing into something a little different as I've grown older and spent some time out in the world.

 In One Tree Hill, there is a character named Brooke Davis that I relate to more than any other character in the series. In high school, she was the shallow and catty cheerleader that was the life of every party, slept with all the boys, and got whatever she wanted. But underneath all of that, she was an insecure teenager dealing with the rejection of her parents who would rather give her money than spend time with their daughter. Brooke kept people at arm's length out of fear that they too would run away from her and reject her, which created a lack of bonds with those closest to her. While I may not have been the popular cheerleader that slept with guys all through high school, I was still the same insecure girl that Brooke Davis was. But over time, she blossomed into a beautiful young woman who headed up a multi-million dollar clothing company by the age of twenty-two. Yet, she still didn't have the satisfaction she had wanted all along because though she was spending time with her mother, it still didn't give her the bond she had longed for all of her life. What Brooke craved more than anything was a family. One that she could call her own without having to design a clothing line to get them to notice her. The first step in that direction came when she met Julian Baker, a sweet talking film producer from Los Angeles that came to Tree Hill to produce a movie. Little did she know that he would become the man to make her believe in love again.

In the end, Brooke finally found the peace and family life she had longed for, which brings me to my point. I guess you could say that what I'm wishing for now is to find my Julian, my other half. One Tree Hill is a show of many lessons for me, including chasing the opportunities that we're given. I've been given the opportunity to continue my education and make something of myself in the future, just as Brooke was given that through her clothing line. But my Julian has yet to present himself in my life...at least that I can see. What I wish for most is to have a family. That has been a wish in my heart since I was sixteen. My deepest desire is to be someone's wife and a mother. I want to hold a newborn baby in my arms and know that I made that human being or that I adopted him or her. I hold that wish closest to my heart and constantly fear that I will never be a wife or mom. But I know that I have to keep holding onto it and fight for it in the future, no matter what happens.