Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway 

Hearing this song brought me to tears as I watched Frozen today with my mom because of the significant meaning behind it. For someone who has lived her whole life hidden behind doors of isolation, finding freedom and liberation in being who she is can be invigorating. Elsa, the Snow Queen, lived her entire life hiding her powers because she considered them to be bad due to what she was told about them when she was young and after accidentally hurting her sister while playing with them. But after an incident that revealed her powers, she took off into the mountains to test her powers and find out what they were really about rather than having to hide them. And in these moments, she really sees herself for who she is...the passionate, caring, gifted girl that she always has been. A girl who only wanted to be herself, but was so afraid to be out of fear of hurting those that she loved the most, her only sister. But in isolating herself and keeping her powers a secret, it hurt her sister by pushing them apart.

All my life, I've hidden myself away like Elsa. Never allowing people to see my true self because of the fear that they wouldn't like what they would see. I pretended to not like something or not be as excited because it would be weird and hid my mental illness because I was terrified it would push people away, but I've reached that precipice of my life where I just do not give a damn what people think. I've let go of my 'good girl' image and am finally stepping into my own storm and letting it rage around me full force to show people who I am and what I'm capable of. And for the first time in my life, it feels good to be me. I guess that's one reason they say that your twenties really do show you who you are and let you figure out what you want in life. For now...I've let it all go and am standing here in the light of day, all on my own.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm UGLY

I'm sorry I'm FAT

I'm sorry I LIE

I'm sorry I CUT

I'm sorry I'm BROKEN

I'm sorry I'm DAMAGED

I'm sorry I HURT

I'm sorry I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY HOW I FEEL.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm SORRY.

No More To Give

"I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing! I always get myself in these fucking situations. I give everything to other people and nobody ever...I never...I don't get what I want." -Tiffany Maxwell from Silver Linings Playbook

Never has a single quote succinctly described my life so accurately in one shot. I'm the type of person that really just gives and gives until I can't anymore. All my life, I've been that way and there were times when I didn't mind it so much because my friends/family were happy. And that is all I ever really want is for them to be happy. But here lately, I've been feeling like I have no happiness for myself. Nothing left. For a few months now, I've been feeling the depression creeping back in...threatening to take me over once more in a way that I know is dangerous. Yet there is this big part of me that just wants to let it take over...because I've reached the point where I just don't give a damn. But the rational, educated side of myself knows I can't do that.

I've felt empty for months, hiding it behind a smile and a lot of bad jokes that most people don't pay attention to anyway. And it's worked well for me. No one has really taken the time to see it because they've been so busy with their lives...not that I blame them. We're adults now and it's much harder to catch something with your friends or family when you're focusing on a million other things at once. But I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up. That is what depression feels like, day after day after day. And it freaking sucks.

People are so quick to say "well if you don't like your life, then you can change it" but that isn't how this works. Depression doesn't just have an on/off switch that I can flick whenever the hell I want to. This is something I was diagnosed with when I was 15-years-old and have been dealing with for almost 10 years. And until recently, I pretty well had it in check, but something has triggered it into overdrive to where I find it difficult to even get up in the mornings and find purpose in my day. I pretend I have it together for everyone else, but when I'm alone...all I do is cry and wait for answers that are never going to come about all the shit I've been dealing with all my life. All the nightmares I wake up from. And all the things I wish I could erase from my life. I can't though, which means I have to just suck it up and move on the best I can and pray that something will save me from the worst enemy I have. Myself.

I Want Crazy

“The problem is we’re human. We want more than just to survive. We want love.”-Lexie Grey

At the root of all human emotions is the desire to feel wanted...to feel loved. Be it from family, friends, or a significant other, no one wants to be alone or feel alone because we were made to be social creatures. I saw this photo and short story on the internet that said, “According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings condemning them to spend their lives in search for their other halves.” It was a profound thought to me because in some sense, it's true. We spend our entire lives searching for the other person that completes us. And most people think that the person they're looking for will be perfection, but that simply isn't the case...we're all human, so none of us are perfect. But if you're looking for that imperfect person that will see you perfectly and you the same for that person, then you're on the right track.

Society has permeated this belief that all relationships will be perfect through media and movies, but in reality...no relationship is perfect. They have flaws and people are going to mess up. If you know me fairly well, which most who actually read this blog do, then you'll know that the relationship I long to have is something like Lexie Grey and Mark Sloan. Yes, I'm using a television reference, but bare with me as I explain. For those who don't watch Grey's Anatomy, the easiest way to explain their relationship is this: Mark was a manwhore that fell in love with Lexie, the little sister of his best friend's future wife, who was 14 years his junior. There were a lot of complications with their relationship, including his 18 year old daughter he didn't know he had showing up pregnant and then the mistake he made in getting his best friend pregnant while he and Lexie were broken up. (I'm simplifying a lot of this for reasons.) But despite ALL of that, they still loved each other because they were meant to be.

"I love you. Oh God... Oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face. I love you. I just...I did it again. I love you. I do. I just, I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it and… Jackson is a great guy. He is. He’s gorgeous and he’s younger than you, he doesn’t have any grandkids, or babies with his lesbian BFFs, and he’s an Avery, and he liked me, you know? He really liked me. But it was never gonna work out, because I love you. I am so in love with you. You’re in me. You’re like— it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I am infected by Mark Sloan and I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you. God, that feels good to just say that. I feel so much better. I love you." -Lexie Grey

This is the kind of love I want. To have someone that makes me love them so much that I get frustrated and mad at them, but also love them at the same time. I want a love that is all consuming and makes me able to forgive their flaws and their mistakes because they would forgive mine. All I have ever wanted was to love someone so much that I can't imagine my life without him. He doesn't have to be perfect because God knows that no one is...but if he is perfect in my eyes, flaws and all, that is what matters. Not once have I ever wanted an easy relationship...and I don't think I ever will. Because we're human...and humans are complex creatures.

Loss

The range of emotions I have felt in the last week have really put me through the ringer. For what feels like the millionth time in the last year, I am close to losing another person I love. My Papa, who has been in my life since the day I was born, had a stroke last Sunday. And though the doctors have tried their hardest, he isn't responding well to any of the rehabilitation treatment that they have been trying. In addition to the stroke, he's had underlying health issues including a heart condition and the fact that his liver is shot because of the abuse of alcohol for more than fifty years. That, coupled with his stubbornness and desire to not be in a hospital, have lead them to believe he will not benefit from any treatment they can give him. Because of this, they are transferring him to a nursing care facility for 30 days to see if he can improve outside of a hospital. And if not, they will be setting up home hospice care.

After going through losing a grandparent in August of last year, this is something that hurts so much for me. This is the Papa that I have lived with for almost four years, off and on, and has taken care of me time and time again. My Memaw is beside herself and broke down earlier, which I have never seen her do before. The only other time I've seen her cry was when my Memaw Bernice, her mother, passed away in 2008, so this is so hard on all of us. It seems like I've lost so many people I love lately and that...is just painful for me. My Memaw Bernice in 2008, Great-Grandma in 2009, Grandma in 2010, Lisa's dad last July, and then Nana Connie in August. And now I'm facing losing my Papa, which I understood was a possibility because of his stroke and health, but it just...doesn't seem fathomable. My Papa is a Marine through and through and perhaps the most stubborn person I know on this earth, so him succumbing to health problems just doesn't compute for me. It reminds me of how precious time with family and loved ones truly is.