So Far Away

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say but you're so far away

The past few days have been some of the hardest I have ever gone through emotionally in my life. What has happened is comparable to the days leading to and the day my Grandma died 2 years ago. My best friend's dad, who has been like a second father to me since I was 10 years old, was admitted to hospice care on Wednesday night after his battle with brain cancer took a turn for the worse. (What makes it hit home even more for me is the fact that he is in the exact same room that my Grandma was in when she passed.) Over the past few days, we have stayed at his bed side watching him slip away from us as he has remained unconscious and kept out of pain with medication that is given to him as frequently as he needs it. It's so hard to see him slip away like that, so slowly when his friends and family are there, just waiting for him to find the peace he desperately needs after months of fighting cancer with chemo and radiation, 2 different surgeries, and countless types of medications to keep his swelling and pain at bay so he could fight the cancer that was ravaging his brain. It physically hurts me to have to see him like that, so I know that it is that much harder for my best friend and her family who have known him much, much longer than I have.

Losing him is comparable to losing a dad to me because he was more of a father to me than my biological one ever was. Though he was not my dad, he always told me to call him Dad and took care of me when I was at their house hanging out with my best friend. He taught us how to play darts when we were eleven, would take us to the convenient store and buy us snacks when we wanted something since we couldn't drive back then, and even fixed my car when I was sixteen and my first car broke down all the time. Though he did drink all the time, he was never a mean drunk. In fact, he kept us entertained with his stories from his youth that he would tell all the time when he was slightly drunk. He wasn't a perfect man and he knew that, but he always tried to make everyone around him happy and learned from his mistakes when he hurt someone. It hurts me most to know that he will never be around again to make us all laugh with a random story of something really stupid that he did as a young man or to teach us all something we didn't know before, like where my air filters are in my car. I'll miss him so much and always think of him when we make chocolate chip cookies, since they were his favorite, but I know that he will be in a better place where there is no pain from cancer. That is the only comfort I'm finding in this situation.

My Ink Has Meaning

In today's ever changing world, tattoo acceptance in the work place is slowly progressing. As a tattooed girl, I am excited about this prospect because all of my tattoos have significant meaning to me and are appropriate to be displayed. (Inappropriate tattoos should never be shown in a work setting, but that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into and not the purpose of this blog post.) When I sat down and thought about it, I never really fully explained the meaning of all my tattoos. I know this is silly and kind of pointless, but if anyone was ever curious, this are the meanings behind my ink.

Tattoo #1

This was my first tattoo, done in August of 2008. When I thought about getting this done, I contemplated it from before I was 18 until I finally got it done a month before my 20th birthday. I grew up watching the show Charmed, which is about 3 sisters that become witches after a long family history manifests itself when they reunite for the first time after a few years. This was the symbol on the Book of Shadows, which was their familial book that was passed down through generations. The actual symbol is called a triquetra and stands for unity. This unity can be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit or the unity within a family. Either way, I got it as a reminder that all things in my life are connected, whether it's my family, my faith, or even my friendships. I love this one as my first piece of artwork on my body and have fond memories of getting it done in the shop since I was so nervous.

Tattoo #2

My second tattoo was done in October of 2009, when my brother was on leave after his Basic Training from the Army. We got our tattoos done together (his first and my second) by the same artist who did my first one. This was also a belated birthday present from my brother since he missed my 21st birthday because he was at Basic. I was so excited to get this one with him since he was getting his first one at the same time and I'd already been through the process once before. There's nothing like sitting in a tattoo parlor with your brother, getting tattoos together while your youngest brother sits by taking pictures and laughing. The basic meaning of this one is pretty self explanatory. Faith is an integral part of my life because I've come through some pretty crappy things, so I chose to write that one simple word to remind me of it. I also chose to put it on my foot to remind me to "walk by faith" through all the hard times that are sure to come in life as I grow up and figure out who I want to be as an adult. This one took about a total of 15 minutes and hardly hurt at all. In fact, I think I laughed through it at some point because she hit a nerve that made me giggle.

Tattoo #3

My third tattoo is one that has a special place in my heart for several reasons. It was done in October of 2010 by the same artist as my previous 2 tattoos with my best friend Brittany by my side. We both got tattoos that afternoon since we're both ink lovers. This is a lyric from one of my favorite songs by Lady Gaga, who is my idol and inspiration in a lot of ways. The whole lyric is "Find your freedom in the music, find your Jesus, find your Kubrick." Basically it talks about finding yourself and sticking to that, no matter if you find meaning through music, religion, or a passion like film-making. Lady Gaga has been my inspiration in finding myself and not letting others dictate to me what is beautiful or worthy of being loved because I'm different or not "acceptable" by society because I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. This is my reminder of what her music has done for me in the past few years, showing me that all of us are beautiful. Out of all my tattoos, this one hurt the most, but it was well worth the pain in the end.

Tattoo #4

My last tattoo was one that was done in March of 2012. It was inspired by 4 different things in my life. Firstly, I struggle with an addiction to self-injury and have since I was in the 8th grade. This is my daily reminder that I'm stronger than that addiction and that I can make it. The word itself was inspired by Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger" and Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong" tattoos on her wrists. Demi Lovato came through issues with an eating disorder and self-injury, which speaks to myself and millions of other girls out there just like us. The heart on the end of my tattoo represents an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). It's an organization dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, including problems with eating disorders and self-harm. It's an organization that I proudly support because I am still one of those girls. Though I have been cut free for nearly 6 years, I still struggle with the desire to harm myself when I'm stressed or upset about something happening in my life. This tattoo represents the things I have overcome in life, but also serves as my reminder that I won't fall back into the things that were hurting me in the first place. I'm more than that and this is my proof.

Diamonds

“I really encourage people to look into the darkness and look into places that you would not normally look to find uniqueness and specialness because that’s where the diamonds are hiding.”--Lady Gaga

In a world that values one type of beauty projected onto the public by the media, often times we that do not fit in with that ideal are overlooked because we don't match. We're not pretty enough, thin enough, or don't have any special talents that make us stand out among the small masses of other people that are considered "beautiful". But what is beauty, really? I believe it's an insecurity that people hide behind because they are scared of what people would truly think of them if they got to know the real person behind the mask that is their face. Often times, the most "beautiful" people in the world are the ugliest on the inside. They spew hatred like venom from their mouths while they look down upon the others because they are less physically attractive according to what society has deemed acceptable. But, I don't agree. I think that the most beautiful people in the world aren't thin or supermodels, but instead the everyday "ordinary" people that let their light shine from their hearts.

Lady Gaga is one of those people. Yes, she is famous and is considered physically attractive by most standards, but she doesn't project that to her fans. She insists that we are ALL beautiful and born the way we were meant to be. Her outrageous costumes and dresses that she wears on stage and in her videos are a symbol that what people consider to be "beautiful" isn't what she considers to be the truth. True beauty comes from within. When we find that truth inside of ourselves, then we have found a diamond. And since diamonds are considered to be one of the most beautiful gems in the world, we are beautiful as well.

I will be perfectly honest and say that I have fallen into the traps of the world and wanted to be thinner because it would make me feel more attractive, but what I've realized is that it doesn't matter what my outside looks like. If it doesn't match my inside, then it isn't worth it. Inside my heart is a depth of love that I want to give to others because I care. I have a heart that is willing and able to love others if given the chance, which is my diamond. That is what I can offer the world. It isn't outward beauty, but I don't care. What I do care about is sharing what I have to offer with my friends and family. My uniqueness in this world is that I have a heart that is nonjudgmental and has no hate for others, regardless of what walk of life you come from. That is what gift I have been blessed with. It might not be flashy like the ability to sing or dance, but it is perfect in it's own way and that is what makes me beautiful.