Til It Happens To You

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time
You say I'll pull myself together
Pull it together, you'll be fine
Tell me, what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

'Til It happens to you
You don't know how it feels, how it feels
'Til it happens to you, you won't know, it won't be real
No, it won't be real, won't know how it feels

Growing up, words like child abuse and domestic violence weren't something I heard very often. I didn't even really know what they were until I was in middle school and by then, I was already in the midst of being abused myself. When I was sixteen, almost seventeen, the physical abuse finally stopped, but it wasn't until I was eighteen that the mental, emotional, and verbal abuse finally ended. But even now, almost ten years after the last time I spoke to my biological father, I still feel the effects of being abused. I struggle with anxiety, depression, nightmares, and a distrust of men. Most days, I'm able to function and get through my day without much incident, but there are still days when I will have panic or anxiety attacks in the middle of work and it's a literal hell. And on the rare occasion I actually run into my father (like today), it spirals me into a nightmare of panic, wanting to throw up, and shaking.

A 1997 survey stated that 1 in 5 high school girls were a victim of physical or sexual abuse. Over half of the abuse occurred at home in this same study. My abuse was always at home, behind the privacy of doors that kept the rest of the world from seeing the hell that I lived in. It wasn't always physical either. Sure, there were beatings with a belt and slaps across the face, but the worst part wasn't the physical. I almost would take the beatings to the verbal, mental, and emotional assault. Being told you're worthless or that you are a "stupid bitch" over and over again is a nightmare that sticks with you...even now, ten years later, I feel worthless sometimes and like I won't do anything good in my life. Even though all the evidence says otherwise, I still feel like trash because that was what I was made to believe and how to feel about myself.

Something I have been told many times, mostly by well meaning and loving friends, is that it gets better in time. And while I know that they mean well, I want to beat my head against a wall because they don't know. They don't know what it's like to have a parent mistreat and abuse you for years on end, then blame it on you. Sometimes I want to ask them how the hell could they know how I feel when they've never experienced what I have or walked in my shoes. It doesn't just take time to get better. It takes therapy, sheer willpower, and a hell of a lot of love, patience, understanding, and compassion to get even one ounce better. While I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I sometimes wish they could understand how I feel...understand that I don't want to be the way I am, but that I am the product of my experiences and can't always control how I react to certain situations because they're triggering for me. For over ten years, I have struggled and fought tooth and nail to get better, to work through the hell, and figure out how to make it better. But still, it's like there is this wall between me and them and I'm screaming at it, but they can't hear me.

Until it happens to them (which I hope it never does), they won't know how I feel. 

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I'm writing this as a way of helping myself. It's been almost 10 years since I've spoken to you and a lot has changed in those 10 years. The years have taken me from the scared little girl you once abused and made me into a wise and strong woman. For years, I doubted I would find that woman, but I have reached a point in my life where I have found the confidence to say the things I have always wanted to say but never had the courage to before. And now that I have found that courage and strength, I will finally say what I need to and move on with my life for good without you.

Years ago, you once told me that I was going to wind up as a nothing. That I was worthless. For years that weighed on my self-esteem and invalidated everything I ever did as not good enough. You. Were. Wrong. Not only do I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology, but I also went onto achieve my master's degree in counseling and am working on my license to become a counselor. I have a full-time job working in my field and I pay my own bills, have a nice car, and a lot of other things I have worked very hard for. No one supports me and I don't live off of the system. And I don't blame others for my problems the way you have done for years. I have made something of myself that I am very proud of and will continue to work on as I get older, building my career and making my life everything I deserve.

For all the years you weren't there and weren't a father when you should have been, I have doubted myself most when it comes to relationships. My relationships and even my friendships are filled with anxiety and self-doubt because you made me feel like I wasn't good enough. A girl's father is supposed to be the first man in her life to teach her how men are supposed to treat her and yet, you treated me like shit and never wanted me in the first place. This is why the cycle of abuse continues because little girls like me grow up thinking men are supposed to treat them like dirt, so they find boyfriends and husbands who do the same as their fathers. You threw me against walls, slapped me across the face, screamed at me, and used a belt to beat me. No father should ever treat their child that way. And it will never happen again in my life. That stopped the moment I decided that I was worth more than trying to appease a parent who never loved me. I will NEVER let another man treat me or any of my future children the way you treated me and Mom. Ever.

You left me broken and full of doubt when I finally walked away from you and it has taken me years to reclaim the little girl who had such big dreams. Now I'm all grown up and learning to take back those dreams and make them realities. Never again will you take my confidence and crush it or make me feel worthless. I'm not the worthless one here. I'm not the one who abused his family and lives on perpetual lies.

The last thing I want to say is that, despite the apology I will never receive, I forgive you. But I don't do that for you. I do it for me to give me the peace of mind that it is over. So that I can move on with my life and forget you like a bad nightmare. You hold no more power over me and I will forget you exist one day. I hope that one day you can admit to your wrongs and make your peace with your God. Because I have made my peace, called it good, and moved on without you.

-Lacy