For The Love of A Daughter

It's been 5 years, since we've spoken last,
And you can't take back what we never had.
I can be manipulated only so many times.
Before even "I love you" starts to sound like a lie.

“For The Love of a Daughter” by Demi Lovato has touched me in a way that no other song has ever done. I relate to it more than any other song that has ever come out about a father/daughter relationship…or lack thereof. Like the song, it’s been 5 years since I’ve spoken to my biological father and it still hurts me to know that he never wanted me. He never wanted a daughter and he never wanted me, even though I tried to be the best daughter I could be with perfect grades. But that wasn’t good enough. I was abused, verbally accosted, and emotionally battered before it was all said and done. And then he did the worst thing a person could do. He chose to be a sexual offender, which completely ruined our family when I was 16. Now he’s in prison and we haven’t spoken willingly since I was 18 because I don’t want to associate myself with a criminal. He never wanted to be my father, so he got his wish. All I have ever wanted was a dad, but he never wanted to step up and be the one I needed. Like Demi, I have a step-father who has stepped up to the plate and been that dad for me since I was 19. But it doesn’t dull the pain completely of not having my biological father be the man he should have been all along.

Something that hurts even more is the fact that none of my friends that I see everyday understand what it feels like to be unwanted by a parent. Not many of them have experienced the pain of a horrible divorce or watching their lives fall apart before their eyes without anything they could do about it. They don't really realize how much it still effects me even today, at 23 years old, and how much I cry on days that are supposed to mean something...like Father's Day. My emotions are so conflicting sometimes because the only thing I have ever wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that I lived during my teenage years. I wanted to wake up and for things to be normal. To have a father who loved me and wanted me . Instead, I was given one who didn't want a daughter. The most precious gift in the world is supposed to be a child, but instead I was a nuisance to him. An inconvenience that he only supported because he had to. Now I'm something to be proud of and he is the embarrassment.

For The Love of A Daughter - Demi Lovato

Last First Day

Monday was the last first day of my undergraduate career. It's weird to think that in just a few months, I'll have my first college degree in my hands. As a Psychology major, you can't just have a bachelor's these days, so my education will continue to a master's program hopefully in the spring, if I'm allowed to start in January. If not, I will begin next August. I'm nervous as well as excited about my future, much like anyone my age would be. The weird thing is, I know exactly what I want to be and what I want to do in life. I want to be an LPC and work with children who are victims of domestic abuse and violence as well as children who go through bullying in school and other traumatizing events in their life. I want to help these kids overcome their trauma to become fully functioning individuals in society. I want to reach out to them and show them that they can trust someone that is an adult and tell me things so I can help them.

When I was young, I had a counselor that really helped me through my parents' divorce, my father's conviction, and the trauma of being in a family where I was now relied upon to help raise my brothers while my mom worked two jobs to support three kids. Because of all I've come through, I have a passion to help kids like I used to be. All children deserve a safe environment to grow up in and feel like they can talk about anything...and that is exactly what I want to give them in my future career.

Freedom of 23

Dearest readers, I will be turning 23 in just a week's time. This means that I am arriving into adulthood officially, no longer close enough to claim being a teenager but not old enough to be doing anything remotely adult...aside from the usual finishing college, starting my career, and figuring out who the heck I am as a person in the process. But I look forward to being 23 with a new goal. I will be better at 23 than I was at 22 or even 21. Your twenties are supposed to be for making mistakes, taking intuitive leaps in your life, and trying to figure out what you really want. They are not for pleasing everyone else in your life or trying to do what is "expected" of you as a person by your parents, society, or even some larger force that governs our lives in this country known as the government. My mom once told me this wise quote: "You are the only one responsible for your happiness. If you're unhappy with your life, then change it. Make it better. Only you hold that power." And now that I am approaching an important part of my life as my graduation date is getting closer, I can honestly say that I am living my life for me for the first time ever. I'm making plans, trying to save money, and applying to a graduate school of my choice to do something I passionately believe in.

Something that I'm looking forward to a lot in the coming year is flying to New York to meet my best friend Leanna for the first time face-to-face. We have been friends for over a year now and have spent virtually every day for the last year talking to one another through phone, instant messenger, Skype, or any other way you can think of. She is my twin spirit and one of my very best friends. I can't wait to meet her face-to-face for the first time and get to spend a week with her in New York, away from Texas. She is one of the best people I know and probably one of the only people that really understands me. I can't wait to meet her face-to-face and finally get to hang out with her for real.

Another thing that will be changing in the coming year of my life is the fact that my friendships will be changing. People who matter will stay in touch with me and I with them, but if you make no efforts even after I have tried...then it isn't worth all the struggle and work on my end of things. Friendship is a two way street, not a one way where one poor traffic cop does all the work. That is something that I have noticed in the past few years...I'm the one usually making all the effort in a friendship, which is not how it's supposed to be. I love all of my friends and don't want to lose any of them, but I am at a point in my life where I cannot be doing all the work or I will physically exhaust myself to the point of breaking.