Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway 

Hearing this song brought me to tears as I watched Frozen today with my mom because of the significant meaning behind it. For someone who has lived her whole life hidden behind doors of isolation, finding freedom and liberation in being who she is can be invigorating. Elsa, the Snow Queen, lived her entire life hiding her powers because she considered them to be bad due to what she was told about them when she was young and after accidentally hurting her sister while playing with them. But after an incident that revealed her powers, she took off into the mountains to test her powers and find out what they were really about rather than having to hide them. And in these moments, she really sees herself for who she is...the passionate, caring, gifted girl that she always has been. A girl who only wanted to be herself, but was so afraid to be out of fear of hurting those that she loved the most, her only sister. But in isolating herself and keeping her powers a secret, it hurt her sister by pushing them apart.

All my life, I've hidden myself away like Elsa. Never allowing people to see my true self because of the fear that they wouldn't like what they would see. I pretended to not like something or not be as excited because it would be weird and hid my mental illness because I was terrified it would push people away, but I've reached that precipice of my life where I just do not give a damn what people think. I've let go of my 'good girl' image and am finally stepping into my own storm and letting it rage around me full force to show people who I am and what I'm capable of. And for the first time in my life, it feels good to be me. I guess that's one reason they say that your twenties really do show you who you are and let you figure out what you want in life. For now...I've let it all go and am standing here in the light of day, all on my own.

Freedom of 23

Dearest readers, I will be turning 23 in just a week's time. This means that I am arriving into adulthood officially, no longer close enough to claim being a teenager but not old enough to be doing anything remotely adult...aside from the usual finishing college, starting my career, and figuring out who the heck I am as a person in the process. But I look forward to being 23 with a new goal. I will be better at 23 than I was at 22 or even 21. Your twenties are supposed to be for making mistakes, taking intuitive leaps in your life, and trying to figure out what you really want. They are not for pleasing everyone else in your life or trying to do what is "expected" of you as a person by your parents, society, or even some larger force that governs our lives in this country known as the government. My mom once told me this wise quote: "You are the only one responsible for your happiness. If you're unhappy with your life, then change it. Make it better. Only you hold that power." And now that I am approaching an important part of my life as my graduation date is getting closer, I can honestly say that I am living my life for me for the first time ever. I'm making plans, trying to save money, and applying to a graduate school of my choice to do something I passionately believe in.

Something that I'm looking forward to a lot in the coming year is flying to New York to meet my best friend Leanna for the first time face-to-face. We have been friends for over a year now and have spent virtually every day for the last year talking to one another through phone, instant messenger, Skype, or any other way you can think of. She is my twin spirit and one of my very best friends. I can't wait to meet her face-to-face for the first time and get to spend a week with her in New York, away from Texas. She is one of the best people I know and probably one of the only people that really understands me. I can't wait to meet her face-to-face and finally get to hang out with her for real.

Another thing that will be changing in the coming year of my life is the fact that my friendships will be changing. People who matter will stay in touch with me and I with them, but if you make no efforts even after I have tried...then it isn't worth all the struggle and work on my end of things. Friendship is a two way street, not a one way where one poor traffic cop does all the work. That is something that I have noticed in the past few years...I'm the one usually making all the effort in a friendship, which is not how it's supposed to be. I love all of my friends and don't want to lose any of them, but I am at a point in my life where I cannot be doing all the work or I will physically exhaust myself to the point of breaking.