No More To Give

"I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing! I always get myself in these fucking situations. I give everything to other people and nobody ever...I never...I don't get what I want." -Tiffany Maxwell from Silver Linings Playbook

Never has a single quote succinctly described my life so accurately in one shot. I'm the type of person that really just gives and gives until I can't anymore. All my life, I've been that way and there were times when I didn't mind it so much because my friends/family were happy. And that is all I ever really want is for them to be happy. But here lately, I've been feeling like I have no happiness for myself. Nothing left. For a few months now, I've been feeling the depression creeping back in...threatening to take me over once more in a way that I know is dangerous. Yet there is this big part of me that just wants to let it take over...because I've reached the point where I just don't give a damn. But the rational, educated side of myself knows I can't do that.

I've felt empty for months, hiding it behind a smile and a lot of bad jokes that most people don't pay attention to anyway. And it's worked well for me. No one has really taken the time to see it because they've been so busy with their lives...not that I blame them. We're adults now and it's much harder to catch something with your friends or family when you're focusing on a million other things at once. But I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up. That is what depression feels like, day after day after day. And it freaking sucks.

People are so quick to say "well if you don't like your life, then you can change it" but that isn't how this works. Depression doesn't just have an on/off switch that I can flick whenever the hell I want to. This is something I was diagnosed with when I was 15-years-old and have been dealing with for almost 10 years. And until recently, I pretty well had it in check, but something has triggered it into overdrive to where I find it difficult to even get up in the mornings and find purpose in my day. I pretend I have it together for everyone else, but when I'm alone...all I do is cry and wait for answers that are never going to come about all the shit I've been dealing with all my life. All the nightmares I wake up from. And all the things I wish I could erase from my life. I can't though, which means I have to just suck it up and move on the best I can and pray that something will save me from the worst enemy I have. Myself.

I Want Crazy

“The problem is we’re human. We want more than just to survive. We want love.”-Lexie Grey

At the root of all human emotions is the desire to feel wanted...to feel loved. Be it from family, friends, or a significant other, no one wants to be alone or feel alone because we were made to be social creatures. I saw this photo and short story on the internet that said, “According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings condemning them to spend their lives in search for their other halves.” It was a profound thought to me because in some sense, it's true. We spend our entire lives searching for the other person that completes us. And most people think that the person they're looking for will be perfection, but that simply isn't the case...we're all human, so none of us are perfect. But if you're looking for that imperfect person that will see you perfectly and you the same for that person, then you're on the right track.

Society has permeated this belief that all relationships will be perfect through media and movies, but in reality...no relationship is perfect. They have flaws and people are going to mess up. If you know me fairly well, which most who actually read this blog do, then you'll know that the relationship I long to have is something like Lexie Grey and Mark Sloan. Yes, I'm using a television reference, but bare with me as I explain. For those who don't watch Grey's Anatomy, the easiest way to explain their relationship is this: Mark was a manwhore that fell in love with Lexie, the little sister of his best friend's future wife, who was 14 years his junior. There were a lot of complications with their relationship, including his 18 year old daughter he didn't know he had showing up pregnant and then the mistake he made in getting his best friend pregnant while he and Lexie were broken up. (I'm simplifying a lot of this for reasons.) But despite ALL of that, they still loved each other because they were meant to be.

"I love you. Oh God... Oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face. I love you. I just...I did it again. I love you. I do. I just, I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it and… Jackson is a great guy. He is. He’s gorgeous and he’s younger than you, he doesn’t have any grandkids, or babies with his lesbian BFFs, and he’s an Avery, and he liked me, you know? He really liked me. But it was never gonna work out, because I love you. I am so in love with you. You’re in me. You’re like— it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I am infected by Mark Sloan and I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you. God, that feels good to just say that. I feel so much better. I love you." -Lexie Grey

This is the kind of love I want. To have someone that makes me love them so much that I get frustrated and mad at them, but also love them at the same time. I want a love that is all consuming and makes me able to forgive their flaws and their mistakes because they would forgive mine. All I have ever wanted was to love someone so much that I can't imagine my life without him. He doesn't have to be perfect because God knows that no one is...but if he is perfect in my eyes, flaws and all, that is what matters. Not once have I ever wanted an easy relationship...and I don't think I ever will. Because we're human...and humans are complex creatures.

Loss

The range of emotions I have felt in the last week have really put me through the ringer. For what feels like the millionth time in the last year, I am close to losing another person I love. My Papa, who has been in my life since the day I was born, had a stroke last Sunday. And though the doctors have tried their hardest, he isn't responding well to any of the rehabilitation treatment that they have been trying. In addition to the stroke, he's had underlying health issues including a heart condition and the fact that his liver is shot because of the abuse of alcohol for more than fifty years. That, coupled with his stubbornness and desire to not be in a hospital, have lead them to believe he will not benefit from any treatment they can give him. Because of this, they are transferring him to a nursing care facility for 30 days to see if he can improve outside of a hospital. And if not, they will be setting up home hospice care.

After going through losing a grandparent in August of last year, this is something that hurts so much for me. This is the Papa that I have lived with for almost four years, off and on, and has taken care of me time and time again. My Memaw is beside herself and broke down earlier, which I have never seen her do before. The only other time I've seen her cry was when my Memaw Bernice, her mother, passed away in 2008, so this is so hard on all of us. It seems like I've lost so many people I love lately and that...is just painful for me. My Memaw Bernice in 2008, Great-Grandma in 2009, Grandma in 2010, Lisa's dad last July, and then Nana Connie in August. And now I'm facing losing my Papa, which I understood was a possibility because of his stroke and health, but it just...doesn't seem fathomable. My Papa is a Marine through and through and perhaps the most stubborn person I know on this earth, so him succumbing to health problems just doesn't compute for me. It reminds me of how precious time with family and loved ones truly is.

Breathe

None of you could ever understand the dark places my mind goes and has gone before.

Mindless Rambling

Some people say that you can tell what you want to do in life as early as elementary school. For some people, that's true. I've known people that have said that they wanted to be a fireman or in the military when they were in grade school that have gone on to become those very things. But for most of us, well at least those who are like me, that decision or revelation does not come until much later. For me, I knew what I wanted to do when I was in high school. After I went through a lot of personal and traumatizing situations, I knew that I wanted to help people. But I was not sure which kind of helping I wanted to do until I got to college. It was there that I discovered Psychology and found my calling. I want to help people and become someone that they can trust when they need someone to talk to that is unbiased, genuine, and real in therapy. That has been my passion and goal since I was younger. People always seemed to come to me with their problems, so it makes sense for me to find that as my calling.

Now I'm in my third week of graduate school and feeling a little overwhelmed as I'm in a new city with no one I know. This is the path that I've been set on a long time ago and I intend to see it through, even if I feel lost and alone right now. I have been trying to make friends, but it is so difficult when everyone already seems to know each other and doesn't wish to befriend the new person. Sometimes I think that I made the wrong decision in coming to San Angelo, but then my program is great and I really enjoy my classes at the same time. Where do I find the balance? What makes it worse is when I feel as though very few people care about me from home. I just wish that I could skip the next two years and be done with school to move on with the part of my life that I wish to be at. To find a place where I can call home and actually know someone there I can spend time with rather than eating my lunch and dinners alone. Maybe it won't be so bad once I start working...I can hold onto that hope and think that it will get better. If not, then maybe I can do most of my classes online when I'm in practicum and commute for what classes I can't from Abilene. These are all things I need to talk with my adviser about and see what she thinks. Maybe it'll be best for me since I seem to like online classes better.

Family

Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the meaning of family and what a family really looks like. My parents divorced when I was 16 and even before then, we really didn't have much of a traditional family to begin with because of all the fighting, hatred, and abuse within the house. But now, at 23 almost 24, I finally know what a real family looks like. My Nana Connie passed away this weekend, leaving behind a huge legacy of love, devotion, and family that will be with the kids, grandkids, and nieces and nephews for the rest of our lives. When my Nana married my Papa Gene 32 years ago, she had 2 kids of her own and he had 5 boys himself. Together, they raised all 7 of the kids under the same roof without the inclination of step or otherwise. And that is how this family has been since. When my mom married us into the family, I was 18 or so, but Connie and Gene took us in as another set of grandkids to love and spoil. And for the past 6 years, we have been part of this wonderful family where we all laugh, spend time together, and support one another during the tough times.

I consider myself blessed to have such a mixed and large family, even if we do get crazy and loud most of the time. And I know that Nana is going to continue to watch over all of us for the rest of our lives because it's what she did when she was here with us. I'll always miss her, just like I will always miss my Grandma and Memaw Bernice. But I have 3 angels up in the clouds watching over me always. It still is weird to me not hearing the voices of these women who have had such an influence on my life, but I know that I will carry the lessons of love that they taught with me all the days of my life. I hope to do them proud in the future as I grow up and become more of an adult.