No More To Give

"I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing! I always get myself in these fucking situations. I give everything to other people and nobody ever...I never...I don't get what I want." -Tiffany Maxwell from Silver Linings Playbook

Never has a single quote succinctly described my life so accurately in one shot. I'm the type of person that really just gives and gives until I can't anymore. All my life, I've been that way and there were times when I didn't mind it so much because my friends/family were happy. And that is all I ever really want is for them to be happy. But here lately, I've been feeling like I have no happiness for myself. Nothing left. For a few months now, I've been feeling the depression creeping back in...threatening to take me over once more in a way that I know is dangerous. Yet there is this big part of me that just wants to let it take over...because I've reached the point where I just don't give a damn. But the rational, educated side of myself knows I can't do that.

I've felt empty for months, hiding it behind a smile and a lot of bad jokes that most people don't pay attention to anyway. And it's worked well for me. No one has really taken the time to see it because they've been so busy with their lives...not that I blame them. We're adults now and it's much harder to catch something with your friends or family when you're focusing on a million other things at once. But I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up. That is what depression feels like, day after day after day. And it freaking sucks.

People are so quick to say "well if you don't like your life, then you can change it" but that isn't how this works. Depression doesn't just have an on/off switch that I can flick whenever the hell I want to. This is something I was diagnosed with when I was 15-years-old and have been dealing with for almost 10 years. And until recently, I pretty well had it in check, but something has triggered it into overdrive to where I find it difficult to even get up in the mornings and find purpose in my day. I pretend I have it together for everyone else, but when I'm alone...all I do is cry and wait for answers that are never going to come about all the shit I've been dealing with all my life. All the nightmares I wake up from. And all the things I wish I could erase from my life. I can't though, which means I have to just suck it up and move on the best I can and pray that something will save me from the worst enemy I have. Myself.