“When do you throw in the towel? Admit that a lost cause is something just that? There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That’s when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all.” -- Grey's Anatomy
This is how I've felt for the past couple of days. Sunday afternoon, I finally ended one of the most toxic friendships I have ever been through in my life. Five years of emotional abuse has come to an end after I finally put my foot down and said no. It wasn't easy, but it was something that I had to do to regain the self-respect that I had thought I lost when this guy decided that he wanted to string me along for years while he dated another girl, got engaged to said girl, and then the relationship ended when she cheated on him. I said friendship, but he was always pushing me for more, even if we live five hours from one another and he is in the Armed Forces while I'm about to start graduate school in another town. The breaking point came when he asked me if I would ever have sex with him...over a text message. Who the hell does that?
That was the breaking point for me in which I decided that I was no longer going to put up with his mind games and toying around with my heart. I put my foot down a few days later, after mulling it over, and told him not to ever contact me again. This, of course, set him off and made him leave a string of voice-mail and text messages telling me that I was the one trampling over his feelings. Well I suddenly let loose on him and really let him know what I thought of him and how he's treated me over the past five years. At the end of it, I deleted his number from my phone and his friendship from my Facebook. But the thing that hit me the most is that I have essentially deleted the only guy I've ever had real feelings for that reciprocated them in any fashion. Where does that leave me romantically? I guess it's saying that I'm single and unattached to anyone now. But that doesn't give me hope for the future and not being single. I just want to find that person, like everyone else does, that makes me feel happy and loves me for who I am. And who I love in return. But I guess hope is where you least expect it. I move in five months to a new town with new people...who knows, maybe my prince will be waiting there for me.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Happier Alone
“There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.” - Grey's Anatomy
Being single at 23 has always been a choice for me. I have never dated a guy, been kissed, or even really given my heart to someone fully without reserving myself and keeping a wall up to surround me. But I've been focusing on other things for so long, such as school, working, and getting to where I want to be in life, that I really haven't put the thought into dating. Now that I have a break from school, I've had a lot more time on my hands and I've come to realize how much it really does suck to be alone. But at the same time, I'm happy too. I don't have to put myself out there for guys to judge and to get rejected by people that I happen to like. But what if I did?
I have always had this ornate fear of being rejected by guys because I'm not the prettiest or thinnest girl in the world. But more importantly, I'm scared to fall in love because I don't know what I would do if I ever got dumped or if the guy fell out of love with me. If I learned to rely on that love, I don't know if I could pick up the pieces and survive that sort of pain. I've survived a lot on my short life, but one thing too many might push me to that breaking point. I'm a self-reliant person for the most part and always have been, but giving my heart to someone else scares the living hell out of me. My mother was married for almost eighteen years to someone that didn't love her and who tricked her into marrying him...who's to say that won't happen to me? I don't want it to, nor do I want to be stuck in a situation years down the road where I have children with someone that doesn't love me. And my kids have to see that...I don't want to subjugate my future children to that sort of thing.
But like every other human being, I crave love too. It's a balance of insanity that lives in my own head all the time. I don't even know how to deal with it all and I'm a Psychology major! But I do know this: Maybe someday I'll reach the point where I'm okay with falling in love. But for now, I can't do it. For now, I'm going to be alone...and I'll be happy.
Being single at 23 has always been a choice for me. I have never dated a guy, been kissed, or even really given my heart to someone fully without reserving myself and keeping a wall up to surround me. But I've been focusing on other things for so long, such as school, working, and getting to where I want to be in life, that I really haven't put the thought into dating. Now that I have a break from school, I've had a lot more time on my hands and I've come to realize how much it really does suck to be alone. But at the same time, I'm happy too. I don't have to put myself out there for guys to judge and to get rejected by people that I happen to like. But what if I did?
I have always had this ornate fear of being rejected by guys because I'm not the prettiest or thinnest girl in the world. But more importantly, I'm scared to fall in love because I don't know what I would do if I ever got dumped or if the guy fell out of love with me. If I learned to rely on that love, I don't know if I could pick up the pieces and survive that sort of pain. I've survived a lot on my short life, but one thing too many might push me to that breaking point. I'm a self-reliant person for the most part and always have been, but giving my heart to someone else scares the living hell out of me. My mother was married for almost eighteen years to someone that didn't love her and who tricked her into marrying him...who's to say that won't happen to me? I don't want it to, nor do I want to be stuck in a situation years down the road where I have children with someone that doesn't love me. And my kids have to see that...I don't want to subjugate my future children to that sort of thing.
But like every other human being, I crave love too. It's a balance of insanity that lives in my own head all the time. I don't even know how to deal with it all and I'm a Psychology major! But I do know this: Maybe someday I'll reach the point where I'm okay with falling in love. But for now, I can't do it. For now, I'm going to be alone...and I'll be happy.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Traumatic Blessings
“It doesn’t matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap… Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.” -Grey's Anatomy
I'll be the first to tell you that having a traumatic experience in your life sucks. No matter what you do to try and forget it, you really can't. There is a scar that runs deeper than anything skin deep; one that cuts straight to your soul and makes you feel like complete and utter crap. That pain is something that hurts more than anything imaginable at times...the times when you feel like you can't do anything to change what has happened to you into anything positive. It's a drowning feeling, like being stuck out at sea without a life saver or anyone there to grab you from the water. But mostly, it's a dull ache that resides in your chest, laying dormant for weeks, months, or even years, just waiting for the opportune moment to seize hold of you again and drag you back into the pits of your own personal hell. For me, it's the moments when I'm forced to look at my past that hurt the most and bring me down to the hell that I feel.
For much of my childhood on into my teenage years, I was abused by someone that was supposed to love and protect me from birth. Constant verbal, physical, emotional, and mental abuse that went on from the time I was old enough to understand what it meant until I was almost seventeen. At one point, it was a daily thing when my mother was at work or at school for my "father" to tear me down as a person, telling me that I was never good enough and that I was never going to amount to anything. When I would do something wrong, he would slap me on the face or shove me into a wall, saying that if he didn't have "so much control", I would have been thrown through the wall. Or if, God forbid, I refused to do something I was told, he would hit me some more, yell at me, and then "spank" me with a belt. (If you could even call that beating a spanking.) I would have bruises on my legs and back from the belt for days after. Sometimes I'd have bruises on my arms from where he grabbed me to push me into a wall. None of which any of my friends knew about because it was easy to hide them. It got to the point where I feared my "father" and his fits of rage and the terror he would inflict upon me. I never wanted to go home after school or band practice. And I never wanted to even be in the same room as him. Finally, it all ended when I was seventeen after my mother filed for divorce. But even she doesn't know some of the abuse that he inflicted on me, nor will I ever tell her because she felt guilty enough as it was.
But through all of this trauma, I've been pushed forward toward what I want to do with my life. I chose Psychology as my major in college for one reason: I want to help people. I want to help them through the hard times where they feel alone and like no one is listening because I've been there. I've been the scared sixteen-year-old, crying out for help to a wall of people who knew nothing about what I was going through. Just as I have been the confused twenty-something year old that has a traumatic past I don't like talking about lightly with new people. But through my education, I've learned that the best kinds of counselors are the ones you can relate to the best. If my trauma can offer someone that little bit of comfort, that edge of ease, then what I have gone through is worth it. Because I can reach out to those that otherwise might not open up to someone else...I can help them. And that is something that I consider a blessing.
I'll be the first to tell you that having a traumatic experience in your life sucks. No matter what you do to try and forget it, you really can't. There is a scar that runs deeper than anything skin deep; one that cuts straight to your soul and makes you feel like complete and utter crap. That pain is something that hurts more than anything imaginable at times...the times when you feel like you can't do anything to change what has happened to you into anything positive. It's a drowning feeling, like being stuck out at sea without a life saver or anyone there to grab you from the water. But mostly, it's a dull ache that resides in your chest, laying dormant for weeks, months, or even years, just waiting for the opportune moment to seize hold of you again and drag you back into the pits of your own personal hell. For me, it's the moments when I'm forced to look at my past that hurt the most and bring me down to the hell that I feel.
For much of my childhood on into my teenage years, I was abused by someone that was supposed to love and protect me from birth. Constant verbal, physical, emotional, and mental abuse that went on from the time I was old enough to understand what it meant until I was almost seventeen. At one point, it was a daily thing when my mother was at work or at school for my "father" to tear me down as a person, telling me that I was never good enough and that I was never going to amount to anything. When I would do something wrong, he would slap me on the face or shove me into a wall, saying that if he didn't have "so much control", I would have been thrown through the wall. Or if, God forbid, I refused to do something I was told, he would hit me some more, yell at me, and then "spank" me with a belt. (If you could even call that beating a spanking.) I would have bruises on my legs and back from the belt for days after. Sometimes I'd have bruises on my arms from where he grabbed me to push me into a wall. None of which any of my friends knew about because it was easy to hide them. It got to the point where I feared my "father" and his fits of rage and the terror he would inflict upon me. I never wanted to go home after school or band practice. And I never wanted to even be in the same room as him. Finally, it all ended when I was seventeen after my mother filed for divorce. But even she doesn't know some of the abuse that he inflicted on me, nor will I ever tell her because she felt guilty enough as it was.
But through all of this trauma, I've been pushed forward toward what I want to do with my life. I chose Psychology as my major in college for one reason: I want to help people. I want to help them through the hard times where they feel alone and like no one is listening because I've been there. I've been the scared sixteen-year-old, crying out for help to a wall of people who knew nothing about what I was going through. Just as I have been the confused twenty-something year old that has a traumatic past I don't like talking about lightly with new people. But through my education, I've learned that the best kinds of counselors are the ones you can relate to the best. If my trauma can offer someone that little bit of comfort, that edge of ease, then what I have gone through is worth it. Because I can reach out to those that otherwise might not open up to someone else...I can help them. And that is something that I consider a blessing.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Truth Sucks
“The truth is painful. Deep down nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to really hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can’t help ourselves. And sometimes, we tell them, because we owe them at least that much.”-Grey's Anatomy
This quote hits so close to home it's unreal. Everything I have been feeling the past couple of weeks/months is culminated into one simple quote from a show that I love. The truth sucks to hear, especially if it's something that you've seen coming for a long time, but when it finally hits you and it's said aloud, you have to face reality. That is something I've been facing. I've been in denial about some of my friendships for a very long time. Some that I've been letting people use me because I don't want to lose them as a friend and others, well, that are just poisonous to me. These friendships I've just been letting go on out of fear of being alone in the world. But it's becoming an issue that is affecting my mental health and well being, so it's time to let go of some of those friendships...but that is so much easier said than done.
This quote hits so close to home it's unreal. Everything I have been feeling the past couple of weeks/months is culminated into one simple quote from a show that I love. The truth sucks to hear, especially if it's something that you've seen coming for a long time, but when it finally hits you and it's said aloud, you have to face reality. That is something I've been facing. I've been in denial about some of my friendships for a very long time. Some that I've been letting people use me because I don't want to lose them as a friend and others, well, that are just poisonous to me. These friendships I've just been letting go on out of fear of being alone in the world. But it's becoming an issue that is affecting my mental health and well being, so it's time to let go of some of those friendships...but that is so much easier said than done.
Friday, October 21, 2011
What Does Beauty Mean?
In a subculture of the world where physical beauty is idolized when you are thin, regular girls don't stand a chance. I know that I am by no means athletic or within the "acceptable" range of weight for my height, but I consider myself to be moderately healthy. I could watch my eating habits better and get more exercise, but that is something that is a work in progress for me. It's not going to happen overnight, nor is my weight loss. But in a society where thin is beautiful, it's damn near impossible for a girl like me to fit in and feel adequate in this world. For the vast majority of my life, I have been told by society that I must be a size 0-6 to be accepted as beautiful. What I didn't realize at my younger ages is that very few women actually fit into this standard. Most women, particularly those who are not in Hollywood or anywhere near that business, are actually around size 8-12. That was a relief to me in some ways, but still hindering me from accepting myself as I am now in the size pants that I wear. I keep telling myself that I will go on a diet and then I stick with them for all of 2 or 3 weeks at most before getting off track and gaining more weight. It has gotten to the point where I am ballooning out of control. And all of this feeds into the idea that I am not beautiful.
My question is...what is true beauty? Yes, there is physical beauty and that is one version of it, but the true beauty of a person is what lies within their hearts and minds. God gave us all a body, but He also gave us hearts and minds to share with other people. I think the true measure of beauty lies within that of a person's heart. Women should not be treated as sex objects, simply looked at and valued for their physical beauty. Instead, they should be admired and revered for their intelligence and their loving/caring hearts. The same is said for men. Women idolize the men who are cut and beautiful while ignoring the guys who don't have the six-packs. (I am guilty of this myself) But a man's worth should not be derived from his looks either, but instead his heart and how he cares for others in his life and even strangers. I have seen men who are not the usual "good looking" guys go unnoticed because they aren't as attractive as the other guys. Why are we programmed this way? Is it a matter of how we were raised or conditioned to be from birth? Or is it a matter of personal preference to chose the "prettier" people. Either way, it is not the message that we should be sending to our children and the next generation. Beauty is not just physical!
My question is...what is true beauty? Yes, there is physical beauty and that is one version of it, but the true beauty of a person is what lies within their hearts and minds. God gave us all a body, but He also gave us hearts and minds to share with other people. I think the true measure of beauty lies within that of a person's heart. Women should not be treated as sex objects, simply looked at and valued for their physical beauty. Instead, they should be admired and revered for their intelligence and their loving/caring hearts. The same is said for men. Women idolize the men who are cut and beautiful while ignoring the guys who don't have the six-packs. (I am guilty of this myself) But a man's worth should not be derived from his looks either, but instead his heart and how he cares for others in his life and even strangers. I have seen men who are not the usual "good looking" guys go unnoticed because they aren't as attractive as the other guys. Why are we programmed this way? Is it a matter of how we were raised or conditioned to be from birth? Or is it a matter of personal preference to chose the "prettier" people. Either way, it is not the message that we should be sending to our children and the next generation. Beauty is not just physical!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
So Tired of the Pressure
Anyone who goes to my school can tell you that there is this immense pressure to find "the one" and get married during your 4 years of college. But what if you don't find that person? What if the person you're meant to be with isn't here, but waiting for you in the town that you will move to in order to start your career? There is this huge disparity between the girls in my college that are engaged or dating someone seriously and those of us who choose to remain single because either we want to focus on school, there isn't a guy here we're interested in, or we're tired of being treated like we're only good to find marriage because we go to a Christian university. I'm sorry, but I am not paying over 80,000 dollars in tuition for 4 years to find a husband. While it might be nice, I'm not interested in it right now. I want to finish my education and become something before I think about settling down. I do admit that God has different plans for different people and He puts those purposes on our hearts while we're in school, but my heart has been put in the direction of helping others. I was given a caring and loving heart to help those in need who need someone to understand and give them guidance. That is what I believe my purpose in life is and I won't detour from that because I'm "expected" to find my life mate by the age of 23. (The national average for marriage is actually higher than this, might I add.)
Recently I had a guy show some interest in me and I indulged and went on a date with him to see what would happen. But during our conversations, I saw how different our beliefs were. And I know that people have different beliefs all the time, but our religious beliefs were so different that it would have caused conflict. Plus, God willing, I will be in a different town in a little under 3 months. I don't want to start something to make it long distance after only 3 months, even if he said that he is willing to do it. What if I'm not? I'm the kind of person that I need to have that person in the same town as me? I just don't think it's fair to either one of us for that to happen so soon into a relationship. But that is neither here nor there. I want someone that has similar beliefs to my own. And yes, I might have presumptuously cut off what was growing there, but better to do that than lead someone on. I am willing to be friends with him if he is willing to accept that I just don't want to be in a relationship with him. Part of me believes that everything happens for a reason, so this could be a little stepping stone to something else that God is preparing me for. Before now, I was too scared to even really go out on a date. But now I have a little more confidence, which will be handy later when things are going in that direction again with someone else. I just believe that I shouldn't be pressured to find someone before I get "too old" to get married. Hello...my idol didn't get married til she was 33. I think I'm okay at just 23 right now.
Recently I had a guy show some interest in me and I indulged and went on a date with him to see what would happen. But during our conversations, I saw how different our beliefs were. And I know that people have different beliefs all the time, but our religious beliefs were so different that it would have caused conflict. Plus, God willing, I will be in a different town in a little under 3 months. I don't want to start something to make it long distance after only 3 months, even if he said that he is willing to do it. What if I'm not? I'm the kind of person that I need to have that person in the same town as me? I just don't think it's fair to either one of us for that to happen so soon into a relationship. But that is neither here nor there. I want someone that has similar beliefs to my own. And yes, I might have presumptuously cut off what was growing there, but better to do that than lead someone on. I am willing to be friends with him if he is willing to accept that I just don't want to be in a relationship with him. Part of me believes that everything happens for a reason, so this could be a little stepping stone to something else that God is preparing me for. Before now, I was too scared to even really go out on a date. But now I have a little more confidence, which will be handy later when things are going in that direction again with someone else. I just believe that I shouldn't be pressured to find someone before I get "too old" to get married. Hello...my idol didn't get married til she was 33. I think I'm okay at just 23 right now.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
For The Love of A Daughter
It's been 5 years, since we've spoken last,
And you can't take back what we never had.
I can be manipulated only so many times.
Before even "I love you" starts to sound like a lie.
And you can't take back what we never had.
I can be manipulated only so many times.
Before even "I love you" starts to sound like a lie.
“For The Love of a Daughter” by Demi Lovato has touched me in a way that no other song has ever done. I relate to it more than any other song that has ever come out about a father/daughter relationship…or lack thereof. Like the song, it’s been 5 years since I’ve spoken to my biological father and it still hurts me to know that he never wanted me. He never wanted a daughter and he never wanted me, even though I tried to be the best daughter I could be with perfect grades. But that wasn’t good enough. I was abused, verbally accosted, and emotionally battered before it was all said and done. And then he did the worst thing a person could do. He chose to be a sexual offender, which completely ruined our family when I was 16. Now he’s in prison and we haven’t spoken willingly since I was 18 because I don’t want to associate myself with a criminal. He never wanted to be my father, so he got his wish. All I have ever wanted was a dad, but he never wanted to step up and be the one I needed. Like Demi, I have a step-father who has stepped up to the plate and been that dad for me since I was 19. But it doesn’t dull the pain completely of not having my biological father be the man he should have been all along.
Something that hurts even more is the fact that none of my friends that I see everyday understand what it feels like to be unwanted by a parent. Not many of them have experienced the pain of a horrible divorce or watching their lives fall apart before their eyes without anything they could do about it. They don't really realize how much it still effects me even today, at 23 years old, and how much I cry on days that are supposed to mean something...like Father's Day. My emotions are so conflicting sometimes because the only thing I have ever wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that I lived during my teenage years. I wanted to wake up and for things to be normal. To have a father who loved me and wanted me . Instead, I was given one who didn't want a daughter. The most precious gift in the world is supposed to be a child, but instead I was a nuisance to him. An inconvenience that he only supported because he had to. Now I'm something to be proud of and he is the embarrassment.
For The Love of A Daughter - Demi Lovato
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