Happier Alone

“There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.” - Grey's Anatomy

Being single at 23 has always been a choice for me. I have never dated a guy, been kissed, or even really given my heart to someone fully without reserving myself and keeping a wall up to surround me. But I've been focusing on other things for so long, such as school, working, and getting to where I want to be in life, that I really haven't put the thought into dating. Now that I have a break from school, I've had a lot more time on my hands and I've come to realize how much it really does suck to be alone. But at the same time, I'm happy too. I don't have to put myself out there for guys to judge and to get rejected by people that I happen to like. But what if I did?

I have always had this ornate fear of being rejected by guys because I'm not the prettiest or thinnest girl in the world. But more importantly, I'm scared to fall in love because I don't know what I would do if I ever got dumped or if the guy fell out of love with me. If I learned to rely on that love, I don't know if I could pick up the pieces and survive that sort of pain. I've survived a lot on my short life, but one thing too many might push me to that breaking point. I'm a self-reliant person for the most part and always have been, but giving my heart to someone else scares the living hell out of me. My mother was married for almost eighteen years to someone that didn't love her and who tricked her into marrying him...who's to say that won't happen to me? I don't want it to, nor do I want to be stuck in a situation years down the road where I have children with someone that doesn't love me. And my kids have to see that...I don't want to subjugate my future children to that sort of thing.

But like every other human being, I crave love too. It's a balance of insanity that lives in my own head all the time. I don't even know how to deal with it all and I'm a Psychology major! But I do know this: Maybe someday I'll reach the point where I'm okay with falling in love. But for now, I can't do it. For now, I'm going to be alone...and I'll be happy.