The Truth Sucks

“The truth is painful. Deep down nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to really hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can’t help ourselves. And sometimes, we tell them, because we owe them at least that much.”-Grey's Anatomy


This quote hits so close to home it's unreal. Everything I have been feeling the past couple of weeks/months is culminated into one simple quote from a show that I love. The truth sucks to hear, especially if it's something that you've seen coming for a long time, but when it finally hits you and it's said aloud, you have to face reality. That is something I've been facing. I've been in denial about some of my friendships for a very long time. Some that I've been letting people use me because I don't want to lose them as a friend and others, well, that are just poisonous to me. These friendships I've just been letting go on out of fear of being alone in the world. But it's becoming an issue that is affecting my mental health and well being, so it's time to let go of some of those friendships...but that is so much easier said than done.

What Does Beauty Mean?

In a subculture of the world where physical beauty is idolized when you are thin, regular girls don't stand a chance. I know that I am by no means athletic or within the "acceptable" range of weight for my height, but I consider myself to be moderately healthy. I could watch my eating habits better and get more exercise, but that is something that is a work in progress for me. It's not going to happen overnight, nor is my weight loss. But in a society where thin is beautiful, it's damn near impossible for a girl like me to fit in and feel adequate in this world. For the vast majority of my life, I have been told by society that I must be a size 0-6 to be accepted as beautiful. What I didn't realize at my younger ages is that very few women actually fit into this standard. Most women, particularly those who are not in Hollywood or anywhere near that business, are actually around size 8-12. That was a relief to me in some ways, but still hindering me from accepting myself as I am now in the size pants that I wear. I keep telling myself that I will go on a diet and then I stick with them for all of 2 or 3 weeks at most before getting off track and gaining more weight. It has gotten to the point where I am ballooning out of control. And all of this feeds into the idea that I am not beautiful.

My question is...what is true beauty? Yes, there is physical beauty and that is one version of it, but the true beauty of a person is what lies within their hearts and minds. God gave us all a body, but He also gave us hearts and minds to share with other people. I think the true measure of beauty lies within that of a person's heart. Women should not be treated as sex objects, simply looked at and valued for their physical beauty. Instead, they should be admired and revered for their intelligence and their loving/caring hearts. The same is said for men. Women idolize the men who are cut and beautiful while ignoring the guys who don't have the six-packs. (I am guilty of this myself) But a man's worth should not be derived from his looks either, but instead his heart and how he cares for others in his life and even strangers. I have seen men who are not the usual "good looking" guys go unnoticed because they aren't as attractive as the other guys. Why are we programmed this way? Is it a matter of how we were raised or conditioned to be from birth? Or is it a matter of personal preference to chose the "prettier" people. Either way, it is not the message that we should be sending to our children and the next generation. Beauty is not just physical!

So Tired of the Pressure

Anyone who goes to my school can tell you that there is this immense pressure to find "the one" and get married during your 4 years of college. But what if you don't find that person? What if the person you're meant to be with isn't here, but waiting for you in the town that you will move to in order to start your career? There is this huge disparity between the girls in my college that are engaged or dating someone seriously and those of us who choose to remain single because either we want to focus on school, there isn't a guy here we're interested in, or we're tired of being treated like we're only good to find marriage because we go to a Christian university. I'm sorry, but I am not paying over 80,000 dollars in tuition for 4 years to find a husband. While it might be nice, I'm not interested in it right now. I want to finish my education and become something before I think about settling down. I do admit that God has different plans for different people and He puts those purposes on our hearts while we're in school, but my heart has been put in the direction of helping others. I was given a caring and loving heart to help those in need who need someone to understand and give them guidance. That is what I believe my purpose in life is and I won't detour from that because I'm "expected" to find my life mate by the age of 23. (The national average for marriage is actually higher than this, might I add.)

Recently I had a guy show some interest in me and I indulged and went on a date with him to see what would happen. But during our conversations, I saw how different our beliefs were. And I know that people have different beliefs all the time, but our religious beliefs were so different that it would have caused conflict. Plus, God willing, I will be in a different town in a little under 3 months. I don't want to start something to make it long distance after only 3 months, even if he said that he is willing to do it. What if I'm not? I'm the kind of person that I need to have that person in the same town as me? I just don't think it's fair to either one of us for that to happen so soon into a relationship. But that is neither here nor there. I want someone that has similar beliefs to my own.  And yes, I might have presumptuously cut off what was growing there, but better to do that than lead someone on. I am willing to be friends with him if he is willing to accept that I just don't want to be in a relationship with him. Part of me believes that everything happens for a reason, so this could be a little stepping stone to something else that God is preparing me for. Before now, I was too scared to even really go out on a date. But now I have a little more confidence, which will be handy later when things are going in that direction again with someone else. I just believe that I shouldn't be pressured to find someone before I get "too old" to get married. Hello...my idol didn't get married til she was 33. I think I'm okay at just 23 right now.

For The Love of A Daughter

It's been 5 years, since we've spoken last,
And you can't take back what we never had.
I can be manipulated only so many times.
Before even "I love you" starts to sound like a lie.

“For The Love of a Daughter” by Demi Lovato has touched me in a way that no other song has ever done. I relate to it more than any other song that has ever come out about a father/daughter relationship…or lack thereof. Like the song, it’s been 5 years since I’ve spoken to my biological father and it still hurts me to know that he never wanted me. He never wanted a daughter and he never wanted me, even though I tried to be the best daughter I could be with perfect grades. But that wasn’t good enough. I was abused, verbally accosted, and emotionally battered before it was all said and done. And then he did the worst thing a person could do. He chose to be a sexual offender, which completely ruined our family when I was 16. Now he’s in prison and we haven’t spoken willingly since I was 18 because I don’t want to associate myself with a criminal. He never wanted to be my father, so he got his wish. All I have ever wanted was a dad, but he never wanted to step up and be the one I needed. Like Demi, I have a step-father who has stepped up to the plate and been that dad for me since I was 19. But it doesn’t dull the pain completely of not having my biological father be the man he should have been all along.

Something that hurts even more is the fact that none of my friends that I see everyday understand what it feels like to be unwanted by a parent. Not many of them have experienced the pain of a horrible divorce or watching their lives fall apart before their eyes without anything they could do about it. They don't really realize how much it still effects me even today, at 23 years old, and how much I cry on days that are supposed to mean something...like Father's Day. My emotions are so conflicting sometimes because the only thing I have ever wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that I lived during my teenage years. I wanted to wake up and for things to be normal. To have a father who loved me and wanted me . Instead, I was given one who didn't want a daughter. The most precious gift in the world is supposed to be a child, but instead I was a nuisance to him. An inconvenience that he only supported because he had to. Now I'm something to be proud of and he is the embarrassment.

For The Love of A Daughter - Demi Lovato

Last First Day

Monday was the last first day of my undergraduate career. It's weird to think that in just a few months, I'll have my first college degree in my hands. As a Psychology major, you can't just have a bachelor's these days, so my education will continue to a master's program hopefully in the spring, if I'm allowed to start in January. If not, I will begin next August. I'm nervous as well as excited about my future, much like anyone my age would be. The weird thing is, I know exactly what I want to be and what I want to do in life. I want to be an LPC and work with children who are victims of domestic abuse and violence as well as children who go through bullying in school and other traumatizing events in their life. I want to help these kids overcome their trauma to become fully functioning individuals in society. I want to reach out to them and show them that they can trust someone that is an adult and tell me things so I can help them.

When I was young, I had a counselor that really helped me through my parents' divorce, my father's conviction, and the trauma of being in a family where I was now relied upon to help raise my brothers while my mom worked two jobs to support three kids. Because of all I've come through, I have a passion to help kids like I used to be. All children deserve a safe environment to grow up in and feel like they can talk about anything...and that is exactly what I want to give them in my future career.

Freedom of 23

Dearest readers, I will be turning 23 in just a week's time. This means that I am arriving into adulthood officially, no longer close enough to claim being a teenager but not old enough to be doing anything remotely adult...aside from the usual finishing college, starting my career, and figuring out who the heck I am as a person in the process. But I look forward to being 23 with a new goal. I will be better at 23 than I was at 22 or even 21. Your twenties are supposed to be for making mistakes, taking intuitive leaps in your life, and trying to figure out what you really want. They are not for pleasing everyone else in your life or trying to do what is "expected" of you as a person by your parents, society, or even some larger force that governs our lives in this country known as the government. My mom once told me this wise quote: "You are the only one responsible for your happiness. If you're unhappy with your life, then change it. Make it better. Only you hold that power." And now that I am approaching an important part of my life as my graduation date is getting closer, I can honestly say that I am living my life for me for the first time ever. I'm making plans, trying to save money, and applying to a graduate school of my choice to do something I passionately believe in.

Something that I'm looking forward to a lot in the coming year is flying to New York to meet my best friend Leanna for the first time face-to-face. We have been friends for over a year now and have spent virtually every day for the last year talking to one another through phone, instant messenger, Skype, or any other way you can think of. She is my twin spirit and one of my very best friends. I can't wait to meet her face-to-face for the first time and get to spend a week with her in New York, away from Texas. She is one of the best people I know and probably one of the only people that really understands me. I can't wait to meet her face-to-face and finally get to hang out with her for real.

Another thing that will be changing in the coming year of my life is the fact that my friendships will be changing. People who matter will stay in touch with me and I with them, but if you make no efforts even after I have tried...then it isn't worth all the struggle and work on my end of things. Friendship is a two way street, not a one way where one poor traffic cop does all the work. That is something that I have noticed in the past few years...I'm the one usually making all the effort in a friendship, which is not how it's supposed to be. I love all of my friends and don't want to lose any of them, but I am at a point in my life where I cannot be doing all the work or I will physically exhaust myself to the point of breaking.