So Far Away

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say but you're so far away

The past few days have been some of the hardest I have ever gone through emotionally in my life. What has happened is comparable to the days leading to and the day my Grandma died 2 years ago. My best friend's dad, who has been like a second father to me since I was 10 years old, was admitted to hospice care on Wednesday night after his battle with brain cancer took a turn for the worse. (What makes it hit home even more for me is the fact that he is in the exact same room that my Grandma was in when she passed.) Over the past few days, we have stayed at his bed side watching him slip away from us as he has remained unconscious and kept out of pain with medication that is given to him as frequently as he needs it. It's so hard to see him slip away like that, so slowly when his friends and family are there, just waiting for him to find the peace he desperately needs after months of fighting cancer with chemo and radiation, 2 different surgeries, and countless types of medications to keep his swelling and pain at bay so he could fight the cancer that was ravaging his brain. It physically hurts me to have to see him like that, so I know that it is that much harder for my best friend and her family who have known him much, much longer than I have.

Losing him is comparable to losing a dad to me because he was more of a father to me than my biological one ever was. Though he was not my dad, he always told me to call him Dad and took care of me when I was at their house hanging out with my best friend. He taught us how to play darts when we were eleven, would take us to the convenient store and buy us snacks when we wanted something since we couldn't drive back then, and even fixed my car when I was sixteen and my first car broke down all the time. Though he did drink all the time, he was never a mean drunk. In fact, he kept us entertained with his stories from his youth that he would tell all the time when he was slightly drunk. He wasn't a perfect man and he knew that, but he always tried to make everyone around him happy and learned from his mistakes when he hurt someone. It hurts me most to know that he will never be around again to make us all laugh with a random story of something really stupid that he did as a young man or to teach us all something we didn't know before, like where my air filters are in my car. I'll miss him so much and always think of him when we make chocolate chip cookies, since they were his favorite, but I know that he will be in a better place where there is no pain from cancer. That is the only comfort I'm finding in this situation.

My Ink Has Meaning

In today's ever changing world, tattoo acceptance in the work place is slowly progressing. As a tattooed girl, I am excited about this prospect because all of my tattoos have significant meaning to me and are appropriate to be displayed. (Inappropriate tattoos should never be shown in a work setting, but that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into and not the purpose of this blog post.) When I sat down and thought about it, I never really fully explained the meaning of all my tattoos. I know this is silly and kind of pointless, but if anyone was ever curious, this are the meanings behind my ink.

Tattoo #1

This was my first tattoo, done in August of 2008. When I thought about getting this done, I contemplated it from before I was 18 until I finally got it done a month before my 20th birthday. I grew up watching the show Charmed, which is about 3 sisters that become witches after a long family history manifests itself when they reunite for the first time after a few years. This was the symbol on the Book of Shadows, which was their familial book that was passed down through generations. The actual symbol is called a triquetra and stands for unity. This unity can be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit or the unity within a family. Either way, I got it as a reminder that all things in my life are connected, whether it's my family, my faith, or even my friendships. I love this one as my first piece of artwork on my body and have fond memories of getting it done in the shop since I was so nervous.

Tattoo #2

My second tattoo was done in October of 2009, when my brother was on leave after his Basic Training from the Army. We got our tattoos done together (his first and my second) by the same artist who did my first one. This was also a belated birthday present from my brother since he missed my 21st birthday because he was at Basic. I was so excited to get this one with him since he was getting his first one at the same time and I'd already been through the process once before. There's nothing like sitting in a tattoo parlor with your brother, getting tattoos together while your youngest brother sits by taking pictures and laughing. The basic meaning of this one is pretty self explanatory. Faith is an integral part of my life because I've come through some pretty crappy things, so I chose to write that one simple word to remind me of it. I also chose to put it on my foot to remind me to "walk by faith" through all the hard times that are sure to come in life as I grow up and figure out who I want to be as an adult. This one took about a total of 15 minutes and hardly hurt at all. In fact, I think I laughed through it at some point because she hit a nerve that made me giggle.

Tattoo #3

My third tattoo is one that has a special place in my heart for several reasons. It was done in October of 2010 by the same artist as my previous 2 tattoos with my best friend Brittany by my side. We both got tattoos that afternoon since we're both ink lovers. This is a lyric from one of my favorite songs by Lady Gaga, who is my idol and inspiration in a lot of ways. The whole lyric is "Find your freedom in the music, find your Jesus, find your Kubrick." Basically it talks about finding yourself and sticking to that, no matter if you find meaning through music, religion, or a passion like film-making. Lady Gaga has been my inspiration in finding myself and not letting others dictate to me what is beautiful or worthy of being loved because I'm different or not "acceptable" by society because I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. This is my reminder of what her music has done for me in the past few years, showing me that all of us are beautiful. Out of all my tattoos, this one hurt the most, but it was well worth the pain in the end.

Tattoo #4

My last tattoo was one that was done in March of 2012. It was inspired by 4 different things in my life. Firstly, I struggle with an addiction to self-injury and have since I was in the 8th grade. This is my daily reminder that I'm stronger than that addiction and that I can make it. The word itself was inspired by Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger" and Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong" tattoos on her wrists. Demi Lovato came through issues with an eating disorder and self-injury, which speaks to myself and millions of other girls out there just like us. The heart on the end of my tattoo represents an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). It's an organization dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, including problems with eating disorders and self-harm. It's an organization that I proudly support because I am still one of those girls. Though I have been cut free for nearly 6 years, I still struggle with the desire to harm myself when I'm stressed or upset about something happening in my life. This tattoo represents the things I have overcome in life, but also serves as my reminder that I won't fall back into the things that were hurting me in the first place. I'm more than that and this is my proof.

Diamonds

“I really encourage people to look into the darkness and look into places that you would not normally look to find uniqueness and specialness because that’s where the diamonds are hiding.”--Lady Gaga

In a world that values one type of beauty projected onto the public by the media, often times we that do not fit in with that ideal are overlooked because we don't match. We're not pretty enough, thin enough, or don't have any special talents that make us stand out among the small masses of other people that are considered "beautiful". But what is beauty, really? I believe it's an insecurity that people hide behind because they are scared of what people would truly think of them if they got to know the real person behind the mask that is their face. Often times, the most "beautiful" people in the world are the ugliest on the inside. They spew hatred like venom from their mouths while they look down upon the others because they are less physically attractive according to what society has deemed acceptable. But, I don't agree. I think that the most beautiful people in the world aren't thin or supermodels, but instead the everyday "ordinary" people that let their light shine from their hearts.

Lady Gaga is one of those people. Yes, she is famous and is considered physically attractive by most standards, but she doesn't project that to her fans. She insists that we are ALL beautiful and born the way we were meant to be. Her outrageous costumes and dresses that she wears on stage and in her videos are a symbol that what people consider to be "beautiful" isn't what she considers to be the truth. True beauty comes from within. When we find that truth inside of ourselves, then we have found a diamond. And since diamonds are considered to be one of the most beautiful gems in the world, we are beautiful as well.

I will be perfectly honest and say that I have fallen into the traps of the world and wanted to be thinner because it would make me feel more attractive, but what I've realized is that it doesn't matter what my outside looks like. If it doesn't match my inside, then it isn't worth it. Inside my heart is a depth of love that I want to give to others because I care. I have a heart that is willing and able to love others if given the chance, which is my diamond. That is what I can offer the world. It isn't outward beauty, but I don't care. What I do care about is sharing what I have to offer with my friends and family. My uniqueness in this world is that I have a heart that is nonjudgmental and has no hate for others, regardless of what walk of life you come from. That is what gift I have been blessed with. It might not be flashy like the ability to sing or dance, but it is perfect in it's own way and that is what makes me beautiful.

Words of Wisdom

“The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it’s only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for. Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.” --Whitey Durham

There has been much in life that I've been disappointed over, mostly to do with how situations have panned out or how things have not gone my way. But I've been learning slowly over the years that life rarely ever goes the way you plan for it to. Things happen, disasters change your path, and you wind up in a completely different place than you set out to be in the first place. But does that mean that you've failed somehow? Or that you didn't wind up exactly where you were supposed to be all along? I never really thought that I would wind up majoring in Psychology, but through  the experiences of my youth, I was lead to a profession that would help others through their darkest times because that is what was given to me in my own dark times.

During times of depression when I was younger, I found myself looking at the stars a lot. Sometimes I would go outside and lay on my trampoline for hours, just looking up at the sky and wondering if there was a point to my suffering. Or if it was all mindless and had no reason at all for happening other than the random assignment of life to people. It wasn't until I got to college and started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life that I realized that everything I had gone through in my teenage years had a purpose. Those same stars that I looked at as a teenager were the ones that gave me the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. So, in a way, they lead me home to where I was meant to be.

I think that Whitey was right in saying that life is full of disappointments, but it's better to learn to let go of the past to move on with our lives, treating the past as a lesson learned. The past is part of the journey that we're on and that is the important thing to remember. Journeys are not all about the destination, but rather the time it takes to get there and the paths you take to end up where you're going. I've been down some pretty twisted paths in my 23 years of life. Lots of them were dark and scary and not like any you'd ever want to go down as a normal person. The roads of depression and despair are not pretty to go down, but coming out on the other side is like...waking up to a new life. It isn't always easy, but it's a lot better. I've made mistakes, but I've learned from them and taught myself that it's okay to make those mistakes so long as I learn from them. Granted, I'm still learning, but I'm only 23. There's gonna be lots of times when I fail, but picking myself up from it is what's important.

Dreaming, Hoping, & Wishing

"It’s the oldest story in the world; One day you’re 17 and planning for someday and then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it. Do it. Don’t wait. Nothing lasts forever. Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from. The next memory. The next smile. The next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart." -- One Tree Hill

For a long time, I believed that wishes were stupid because they could never come true. It was folly to wish upon stars because those stars couldn't grant those wishes no matter how hard or often we wished upon them. They were just big balls of gas in the sky that were burning millions of miles away with no human qualities or capabilities to grant wishes. But that's just the informed scientist talking in me. My inner child thinks differently though. It still believes in magic and wishing on stars because somehow stars became the symbol for hope and for wishing the impossible. That and 11:11pm. But what do we wish for now that childhood is slipping away and giving into adulthood? As a teenager, I just wished for a normal life...one uninhibited by the drama of my family where I could be myself and not feel threatened. Through college, I was given that life. Now, my dreams are changing into something a little different as I've grown older and spent some time out in the world.

 In One Tree Hill, there is a character named Brooke Davis that I relate to more than any other character in the series. In high school, she was the shallow and catty cheerleader that was the life of every party, slept with all the boys, and got whatever she wanted. But underneath all of that, she was an insecure teenager dealing with the rejection of her parents who would rather give her money than spend time with their daughter. Brooke kept people at arm's length out of fear that they too would run away from her and reject her, which created a lack of bonds with those closest to her. While I may not have been the popular cheerleader that slept with guys all through high school, I was still the same insecure girl that Brooke Davis was. But over time, she blossomed into a beautiful young woman who headed up a multi-million dollar clothing company by the age of twenty-two. Yet, she still didn't have the satisfaction she had wanted all along because though she was spending time with her mother, it still didn't give her the bond she had longed for all of her life. What Brooke craved more than anything was a family. One that she could call her own without having to design a clothing line to get them to notice her. The first step in that direction came when she met Julian Baker, a sweet talking film producer from Los Angeles that came to Tree Hill to produce a movie. Little did she know that he would become the man to make her believe in love again.

In the end, Brooke finally found the peace and family life she had longed for, which brings me to my point. I guess you could say that what I'm wishing for now is to find my Julian, my other half. One Tree Hill is a show of many lessons for me, including chasing the opportunities that we're given. I've been given the opportunity to continue my education and make something of myself in the future, just as Brooke was given that through her clothing line. But my Julian has yet to present himself in my life...at least that I can see. What I wish for most is to have a family. That has been a wish in my heart since I was sixteen. My deepest desire is to be someone's wife and a mother. I want to hold a newborn baby in my arms and know that I made that human being or that I adopted him or her. I hold that wish closest to my heart and constantly fear that I will never be a wife or mom. But I know that I have to keep holding onto it and fight for it in the future, no matter what happens.

Falling Apart And Together

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”--Finnick Odair (Mockingjay)

I'm very quickly realizing how true that this quote is and how relevant it is to my life. In the past week, I went from being okay to totally not okay. Wednesday was an awful day for me and I knew that something was going to go wrong...I just knew it would. I had this feeling when I woke up like by the end of the day, I would lose something important to me...and I did. Well, I'm not sure if I've lost it yet, but I feel like I have. Because of some really stupid circumstances, I might lose the only job I've been fortunate to have in the last three years. What scares me most is that I won't know until Tuesday if I still have my job or not because my boss is out of town until then and he wanted to take the weekend to decide whether or not to fire me. Regardless, it's really messed up. I've been preparing my back up plan in case I do lose my job and applying at many places, but it still doesn't easy the anxiety that I have that this time next week, I will likely be unemployed. But you know what they say, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

In all of this, I've been thinking about the last time I truly fell apart. That was my junior year of high school, when I had reached the lowest point I could go before I finally started seeing the light again. It has taken me six years and a lot of painful times to overcome what I've gone through and put myself back together. But I have come back together in many ways. Yet, this job loss threatens to push me back to falling apart and I don't want to let it. Because the extenuating circumstances that are causing me to likely lose my job are not necessarily my fault. I do accept some of the blame because part of it was my fault for not being on the ball about some things, but some of it was pure accidental coincidence. If my boss does decide to fire me...I will hold my head high and still carry on with the knowledge that he is losing one of the better fundraisers at the center. I won't let it tear me down and I will find another job to fill in until I move to San Angelo in the fall. Even if I have to apply every single place in the city that I can find. 

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

"Sometimes when you’re young, you think nothing can hurt you. It’s like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans, big plans. Find your perfect match, the one that completes you. But as you get older, you realize it’s not always that easy. It’s not until the end of your life you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. Because at the end, when you’re looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you’re leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered." -- One Tree Hill

I may only be 23, but in that short time on earth, I have seen more than most people have in a lifetime; More drama than I ever cared to be a part of. And more heartache than I ever thought possible. Being young doesn't make you invincible. Imperviousness is not something that we innately have as young people. It takes time, years of mistakes and learning, and a lot of strength to be impenetrable by outside sources and influences that can take us down. Something I have learned is that I am not impervious, but instead I feel too much and let things get to me when I shouldn't. That is why I have a problem with cutting. But instead of focusing on the mistake I made in getting involved with cutting at all, I put my energy into keeping myself strong so I never have to stoop that low again. I want to leave some good in the world when I go and help people that are struggling with their own problems find the strength to stand up and take charge of their lives the way that I have. If that means that my problems can be used for the greater good, then so be it.

Today I got my 4th and final tattoo. This one means the most to me out of any that I have gotten before because it is a direct reminder that I am stronger than what I have faced. And it will keep reminding me that I have faced worse and can overcome anything. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And I wholeheartedly believe that's true.