Life Decisions

In the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about where I want to be in five years and what I want my life to be like. Recently, I went up to New York state to visit one of my best friends and while we were there, we went and had our fortunes told at the Ren fair. Now before you say that there isn't any stock to having your fortune told or that I'm stupid for believing it, I want to tell you that what I experienced was real. I had a medium done, where spirits of relatives or friends come to the psychic and talk to me through her. And my grandma came through. Judge all you want and say that it was just a generic thing that they all use to trick people, but this was real. She knew things about my grandma that NO ONE outside of family could have known. That shocked me, but what she had to say through the psychic was even more important and pertinent. My grandma was always one to encourage me to follow my heart and do what I want to do, regardless of what other people say or think about my decisions. She was the one to encourage me to follow my heart, no matter how big or weird my dream was. In fact, she was the one that told me I would be a good counselor. But that is beside the point. What she had to share with me through the psychic was basically that I'm on the right life path and that I shouldn't worry about other things while I'm focusing on my dream. She told me to not be afraid of the changing paths of life.

This leads me to a decision that I've come to make. I have always said that I wanted to move outside of Texas, but didn't know where I wanted to move because I didn't have friends or family in any particular state that I was interested in living in. Now that I've been to somewhere else and seen with my own eyes another place, I've fallen in love with New York. My ultimate goal was to get out of Texas, but now I have a real place set in mind. New York state is where I want to be after I finish my Master's Degree in two years. I've done the research and if I network myself with a licensed counselor in New York, I can do my supervised hours there and take their certification test to become an LPC for New York. I know that it is a huge leap of faith to move 1600 miles away from my family, but it's something I want to do. New York is beautiful and I know people up there, so I wouldn't be totally alone. It's a decision that I have 2 years to do my research for and to prepare for, but ultimately, it's where I want to be. Not just because I have friends in the area, but because it would be a new adventure for me to start a whole new chapter of my life and live fearlessly, just like my grandma would want me to.

Why I Detest Organized Religion

Now before you all go jumping on your high horses about why I'm being "unchristian" or something along those lines, I am putting this disclaimer. This does not constitute that I do not believe in God or Jesus, but it simply states that I don't like religion in an organized manner. Allow me to explain myself fully before you bring out the torches and pitchforks to burn me at the stake for hypocrisy.

To understand my dislike of organized religion, you have to understand a little bit about me first. When I was 16-years-old, I witnessed one of the greatest travesties of religion and the supposed followers of Jesus that I have ever known. My parents divorced the year following my 16th birthday after my father was convicted of indecency with a child and admitted to my mother that he was guilty all along. After this happened, my mother chose to take myself and my brothers and leave our father, filing for divorce about a month later once she had all the paperwork and funds together. Instead of supporting us, the church that I grew up in turned their backs on us and would not help my mother because they didn't consider her divorcing my father to be "Biblical". (Though she had that right YEARS ago when he cheated on her.) Not once did any member of this said church call my mother to check on us kids or see if we needed anything now that my mother was a single parent to three teenage children receiving no government assistance or child support. They all considered themselves to be people of Jesus, but yet they did not follow the simplest command of Jesus to help others who are in need because they were too proud to admit that my mother was right in divorcing the man who had done so much damage to so many peoples' lives.

Fast forward seven years to the present and you will find an enlightened version of my sixteen-year-old self. In the past few years, I have gone to many different churches and experimented with different religions, including Baptist, Methodist, and Catholic. But I've come to the conclusion for myself that organized religion isn't what was intended for God's people. All churches have really done is taken what was meant to be a guide for life and deconstructed and manipulated the word to say what they want it to say. The mantra I grew up with was similar to "Don't do this, you'll go to hell. Tattoos are for Devil worshipers. Cursing is unacceptable. Homosexuality is the Devil's handiwork and they are all going to hell. This church is the only church you can get into Heaven with." and so on. But as I've explored religion and spirituality for myself without someone shoving it down my throat, I've come to realize that most of those things are just not true. Yes, there are things you will be condemned for, like murder and things like that. But I've taken a different path and view on other things, like tattoos and homosexuality. I believe that everyone is the way that they are because they were born that way. And tattoos are meant to be a celebration of something you believe in or feel strongly about. (Or, in some cases, just something stupid you want to put on your body because it's funny.) But I honestly don't believe that God would condemn you for decorating your body or because of who you fall in love with.

I also don't believe that He will condemn anyone for being the "wrong" religion. Honestly, who does have it right? There are so many denominations in the world today that we can't honestly tell who is the "right" choice. None of them date back 2000 years to when Jesus said "upon this rock, I will build my church." The oldest "organized" church that follows the teachings of Jesus Christ are the Catholic church, but they only date back 900 years or so. For that reason, among many others, I have decided that I will not claim any one set religion, but instead embrace my own spirituality. Am I opposed to going to church? Not at all. In fact, I enjoy going to many different churches to experience the fellowship of God's people, but I will never permanently establish myself in one or the other. Instead, I intend to do as Jesus did and make my own church within myself. He traveled the world, teaching to others and didn't confine himself to one building. Why shouldn't I do the same and not stick myself in one organized religion for the rest of my life? Being Jesus to others out in the real world where it counts is more important to me than pretending every Sunday and Wednesday in a building.

So Far Away

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say but you're so far away

The past few days have been some of the hardest I have ever gone through emotionally in my life. What has happened is comparable to the days leading to and the day my Grandma died 2 years ago. My best friend's dad, who has been like a second father to me since I was 10 years old, was admitted to hospice care on Wednesday night after his battle with brain cancer took a turn for the worse. (What makes it hit home even more for me is the fact that he is in the exact same room that my Grandma was in when she passed.) Over the past few days, we have stayed at his bed side watching him slip away from us as he has remained unconscious and kept out of pain with medication that is given to him as frequently as he needs it. It's so hard to see him slip away like that, so slowly when his friends and family are there, just waiting for him to find the peace he desperately needs after months of fighting cancer with chemo and radiation, 2 different surgeries, and countless types of medications to keep his swelling and pain at bay so he could fight the cancer that was ravaging his brain. It physically hurts me to have to see him like that, so I know that it is that much harder for my best friend and her family who have known him much, much longer than I have.

Losing him is comparable to losing a dad to me because he was more of a father to me than my biological one ever was. Though he was not my dad, he always told me to call him Dad and took care of me when I was at their house hanging out with my best friend. He taught us how to play darts when we were eleven, would take us to the convenient store and buy us snacks when we wanted something since we couldn't drive back then, and even fixed my car when I was sixteen and my first car broke down all the time. Though he did drink all the time, he was never a mean drunk. In fact, he kept us entertained with his stories from his youth that he would tell all the time when he was slightly drunk. He wasn't a perfect man and he knew that, but he always tried to make everyone around him happy and learned from his mistakes when he hurt someone. It hurts me most to know that he will never be around again to make us all laugh with a random story of something really stupid that he did as a young man or to teach us all something we didn't know before, like where my air filters are in my car. I'll miss him so much and always think of him when we make chocolate chip cookies, since they were his favorite, but I know that he will be in a better place where there is no pain from cancer. That is the only comfort I'm finding in this situation.

My Ink Has Meaning

In today's ever changing world, tattoo acceptance in the work place is slowly progressing. As a tattooed girl, I am excited about this prospect because all of my tattoos have significant meaning to me and are appropriate to be displayed. (Inappropriate tattoos should never be shown in a work setting, but that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into and not the purpose of this blog post.) When I sat down and thought about it, I never really fully explained the meaning of all my tattoos. I know this is silly and kind of pointless, but if anyone was ever curious, this are the meanings behind my ink.

Tattoo #1

This was my first tattoo, done in August of 2008. When I thought about getting this done, I contemplated it from before I was 18 until I finally got it done a month before my 20th birthday. I grew up watching the show Charmed, which is about 3 sisters that become witches after a long family history manifests itself when they reunite for the first time after a few years. This was the symbol on the Book of Shadows, which was their familial book that was passed down through generations. The actual symbol is called a triquetra and stands for unity. This unity can be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit or the unity within a family. Either way, I got it as a reminder that all things in my life are connected, whether it's my family, my faith, or even my friendships. I love this one as my first piece of artwork on my body and have fond memories of getting it done in the shop since I was so nervous.

Tattoo #2

My second tattoo was done in October of 2009, when my brother was on leave after his Basic Training from the Army. We got our tattoos done together (his first and my second) by the same artist who did my first one. This was also a belated birthday present from my brother since he missed my 21st birthday because he was at Basic. I was so excited to get this one with him since he was getting his first one at the same time and I'd already been through the process once before. There's nothing like sitting in a tattoo parlor with your brother, getting tattoos together while your youngest brother sits by taking pictures and laughing. The basic meaning of this one is pretty self explanatory. Faith is an integral part of my life because I've come through some pretty crappy things, so I chose to write that one simple word to remind me of it. I also chose to put it on my foot to remind me to "walk by faith" through all the hard times that are sure to come in life as I grow up and figure out who I want to be as an adult. This one took about a total of 15 minutes and hardly hurt at all. In fact, I think I laughed through it at some point because she hit a nerve that made me giggle.

Tattoo #3

My third tattoo is one that has a special place in my heart for several reasons. It was done in October of 2010 by the same artist as my previous 2 tattoos with my best friend Brittany by my side. We both got tattoos that afternoon since we're both ink lovers. This is a lyric from one of my favorite songs by Lady Gaga, who is my idol and inspiration in a lot of ways. The whole lyric is "Find your freedom in the music, find your Jesus, find your Kubrick." Basically it talks about finding yourself and sticking to that, no matter if you find meaning through music, religion, or a passion like film-making. Lady Gaga has been my inspiration in finding myself and not letting others dictate to me what is beautiful or worthy of being loved because I'm different or not "acceptable" by society because I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. This is my reminder of what her music has done for me in the past few years, showing me that all of us are beautiful. Out of all my tattoos, this one hurt the most, but it was well worth the pain in the end.

Tattoo #4

My last tattoo was one that was done in March of 2012. It was inspired by 4 different things in my life. Firstly, I struggle with an addiction to self-injury and have since I was in the 8th grade. This is my daily reminder that I'm stronger than that addiction and that I can make it. The word itself was inspired by Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger" and Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong" tattoos on her wrists. Demi Lovato came through issues with an eating disorder and self-injury, which speaks to myself and millions of other girls out there just like us. The heart on the end of my tattoo represents an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). It's an organization dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, including problems with eating disorders and self-harm. It's an organization that I proudly support because I am still one of those girls. Though I have been cut free for nearly 6 years, I still struggle with the desire to harm myself when I'm stressed or upset about something happening in my life. This tattoo represents the things I have overcome in life, but also serves as my reminder that I won't fall back into the things that were hurting me in the first place. I'm more than that and this is my proof.

Diamonds

“I really encourage people to look into the darkness and look into places that you would not normally look to find uniqueness and specialness because that’s where the diamonds are hiding.”--Lady Gaga

In a world that values one type of beauty projected onto the public by the media, often times we that do not fit in with that ideal are overlooked because we don't match. We're not pretty enough, thin enough, or don't have any special talents that make us stand out among the small masses of other people that are considered "beautiful". But what is beauty, really? I believe it's an insecurity that people hide behind because they are scared of what people would truly think of them if they got to know the real person behind the mask that is their face. Often times, the most "beautiful" people in the world are the ugliest on the inside. They spew hatred like venom from their mouths while they look down upon the others because they are less physically attractive according to what society has deemed acceptable. But, I don't agree. I think that the most beautiful people in the world aren't thin or supermodels, but instead the everyday "ordinary" people that let their light shine from their hearts.

Lady Gaga is one of those people. Yes, she is famous and is considered physically attractive by most standards, but she doesn't project that to her fans. She insists that we are ALL beautiful and born the way we were meant to be. Her outrageous costumes and dresses that she wears on stage and in her videos are a symbol that what people consider to be "beautiful" isn't what she considers to be the truth. True beauty comes from within. When we find that truth inside of ourselves, then we have found a diamond. And since diamonds are considered to be one of the most beautiful gems in the world, we are beautiful as well.

I will be perfectly honest and say that I have fallen into the traps of the world and wanted to be thinner because it would make me feel more attractive, but what I've realized is that it doesn't matter what my outside looks like. If it doesn't match my inside, then it isn't worth it. Inside my heart is a depth of love that I want to give to others because I care. I have a heart that is willing and able to love others if given the chance, which is my diamond. That is what I can offer the world. It isn't outward beauty, but I don't care. What I do care about is sharing what I have to offer with my friends and family. My uniqueness in this world is that I have a heart that is nonjudgmental and has no hate for others, regardless of what walk of life you come from. That is what gift I have been blessed with. It might not be flashy like the ability to sing or dance, but it is perfect in it's own way and that is what makes me beautiful.

Words of Wisdom

“The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it’s only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for. Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.” --Whitey Durham

There has been much in life that I've been disappointed over, mostly to do with how situations have panned out or how things have not gone my way. But I've been learning slowly over the years that life rarely ever goes the way you plan for it to. Things happen, disasters change your path, and you wind up in a completely different place than you set out to be in the first place. But does that mean that you've failed somehow? Or that you didn't wind up exactly where you were supposed to be all along? I never really thought that I would wind up majoring in Psychology, but through  the experiences of my youth, I was lead to a profession that would help others through their darkest times because that is what was given to me in my own dark times.

During times of depression when I was younger, I found myself looking at the stars a lot. Sometimes I would go outside and lay on my trampoline for hours, just looking up at the sky and wondering if there was a point to my suffering. Or if it was all mindless and had no reason at all for happening other than the random assignment of life to people. It wasn't until I got to college and started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life that I realized that everything I had gone through in my teenage years had a purpose. Those same stars that I looked at as a teenager were the ones that gave me the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. So, in a way, they lead me home to where I was meant to be.

I think that Whitey was right in saying that life is full of disappointments, but it's better to learn to let go of the past to move on with our lives, treating the past as a lesson learned. The past is part of the journey that we're on and that is the important thing to remember. Journeys are not all about the destination, but rather the time it takes to get there and the paths you take to end up where you're going. I've been down some pretty twisted paths in my 23 years of life. Lots of them were dark and scary and not like any you'd ever want to go down as a normal person. The roads of depression and despair are not pretty to go down, but coming out on the other side is like...waking up to a new life. It isn't always easy, but it's a lot better. I've made mistakes, but I've learned from them and taught myself that it's okay to make those mistakes so long as I learn from them. Granted, I'm still learning, but I'm only 23. There's gonna be lots of times when I fail, but picking myself up from it is what's important.

Dreaming, Hoping, & Wishing

"It’s the oldest story in the world; One day you’re 17 and planning for someday and then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it. Do it. Don’t wait. Nothing lasts forever. Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from. The next memory. The next smile. The next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart." -- One Tree Hill

For a long time, I believed that wishes were stupid because they could never come true. It was folly to wish upon stars because those stars couldn't grant those wishes no matter how hard or often we wished upon them. They were just big balls of gas in the sky that were burning millions of miles away with no human qualities or capabilities to grant wishes. But that's just the informed scientist talking in me. My inner child thinks differently though. It still believes in magic and wishing on stars because somehow stars became the symbol for hope and for wishing the impossible. That and 11:11pm. But what do we wish for now that childhood is slipping away and giving into adulthood? As a teenager, I just wished for a normal life...one uninhibited by the drama of my family where I could be myself and not feel threatened. Through college, I was given that life. Now, my dreams are changing into something a little different as I've grown older and spent some time out in the world.

 In One Tree Hill, there is a character named Brooke Davis that I relate to more than any other character in the series. In high school, she was the shallow and catty cheerleader that was the life of every party, slept with all the boys, and got whatever she wanted. But underneath all of that, she was an insecure teenager dealing with the rejection of her parents who would rather give her money than spend time with their daughter. Brooke kept people at arm's length out of fear that they too would run away from her and reject her, which created a lack of bonds with those closest to her. While I may not have been the popular cheerleader that slept with guys all through high school, I was still the same insecure girl that Brooke Davis was. But over time, she blossomed into a beautiful young woman who headed up a multi-million dollar clothing company by the age of twenty-two. Yet, she still didn't have the satisfaction she had wanted all along because though she was spending time with her mother, it still didn't give her the bond she had longed for all of her life. What Brooke craved more than anything was a family. One that she could call her own without having to design a clothing line to get them to notice her. The first step in that direction came when she met Julian Baker, a sweet talking film producer from Los Angeles that came to Tree Hill to produce a movie. Little did she know that he would become the man to make her believe in love again.

In the end, Brooke finally found the peace and family life she had longed for, which brings me to my point. I guess you could say that what I'm wishing for now is to find my Julian, my other half. One Tree Hill is a show of many lessons for me, including chasing the opportunities that we're given. I've been given the opportunity to continue my education and make something of myself in the future, just as Brooke was given that through her clothing line. But my Julian has yet to present himself in my life...at least that I can see. What I wish for most is to have a family. That has been a wish in my heart since I was sixteen. My deepest desire is to be someone's wife and a mother. I want to hold a newborn baby in my arms and know that I made that human being or that I adopted him or her. I hold that wish closest to my heart and constantly fear that I will never be a wife or mom. But I know that I have to keep holding onto it and fight for it in the future, no matter what happens.